Groucho Marx is famous for saying that he would never want to be the member of a club that would want him as a member. As far as parenting goes, I believe being the parent of a sexually abused child is the second worst club to be a member of. It’s painful, it lingers, and no one really understands it. In most cases though, there is a silver lining, and that is that your child is still alive.
In Newtown Connecticut this morning 20 parents sent their kids off to school not knowing they were going to be joining the ranks of the the worst club for parents. When a single child dies, we focus on the family. We go through the rituals we always go through when someone dies. When something occurs on this scale it’s a shock to the system. You can’t take it all in, and you can’t focus on grief the way you usually do. One death is misfortune but something on this scale is just hard to explain. You can actually count the number of times it has happened in the United States on one hand in the last 100 years. We don’t do well with things that don’t make sense and are hard to explain. Take many of the elements of sexual abuse and magnify it by 10.
What hurts more?
It’s not fair or realist to compare sexual abuse with the death of a child. But it’s something we do all the time. People will compare the incidents in their life – abuse, addiction, divorce, loss, bankruptcy, cancer, etc. Who is more of a victim? the truth is there is more than enough pain in the world to go around. What we should be asking is what are we thankful for? It’s real easy to dwell on the bad because it reaches out and knocks up side of the head. Good things are a lot more subtle and we don’t pay attention to them as much.
I don’t know where sexual abuse would really rank if you gathered a group representing everything bad that can happen to you. If you focus too much on it, you probably will see it as the worst thing in the world. In the event that’s the case, that’s probably all you will ever see. If you can step back and find something to be thankful for, than it probably doesn’t belong in the number one position. Having a sexually abused child is difficult, but there are worse things. If you are able to hug your child and tell them that you love them, than you have something to be thankful for.
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
