Whether your child has been sexually abused or not, just about every parent thinks they are a horrible parent at some point. It’s one of those ideas that others generally don’t point out to you, but we beat ourselves up over and then look for proof that it is true.
“Weren’t you watching them?”
When your kids fall and need stitches, you might run this thought through your brain. When your child is molested, sooner or later someone is likely to say it out loud. It’s not meant to be judgmental it’s more a statement of self preservation that “this couldn’t happen to me”. The unenlightened have a view of world safety where you don’t take candy from strangers. Not one where you have to worry about a teacher, priests or family member.
The same people who watch a woman cut in half by a magician, can’t believe that someone they trust would deceive them in the most unimaginable way possible. Getting people to believe that you didn’t know your child was being sexually abused is probably one step below alien abduction. And much like trying to convince people the earth wasn’t flat or the center of the universe, it’s not worth getting burned at the stake over. It just takes time.
“I hate you and never want to speak to you again”
This one you might hear from your child. I think it may be standard programming for many teenagers but if you are dealing with parental guilt from thinking you could have prevented your child’s abuse, these words may sink in deeper than they would otherwise. Surely there must be something that you did wrong. More reinforcement that you are a horrible parent. Welcome to reactive behavior. Many children repress their emotions during abuse, and once the cat is out of the bag, those bottled up emotions come pouring out. Usually with all the control and order of a exploding catsup bottle. Lots of mess, and difficult to clean up. The key is to know that these outbursts are often magnified and out of context, and with a little luck, there is a return to normal in your future.
“I should have done things different”
You could easily say I couldn’t have done anything differently. Both are true and false, much like Schrodinger’s cat. It’s easy to second guess yourself, beat yourself up, rinse and repeat. This one of those things that everyone has to figure out for themselves. Hindsight reveals so much that we convince ourselves that we should have had the same insight at the time of the incident. It’s not true. It’s harder to see when you can play out multiple scenarios in your head.
A long time ago, I had a helicopter crash in the woods in back of my house. When I got to the wreckage, I found two people on fire. It’s not an image or smell that you ever forget. The feeling of not being able to pull someone out of a burning aircraft doesn’t go away either. Even the medical examiner telling you they were dead before they hit the ground still doesn’t push away doubts. The next day I learned the passenger was the brother of a girl I went to school with. I didn’t speak to her for almost a year after that.
There are a couple things I learned. Some things you can’t control. You can do everything right, and still not change events that are destined to happen. It’s not a failing on your part, it’s just that you didn’t play the role that you though you should have in this scenario. A year later I happened to bump into the sister of the guy I found and she only wanted to know was if I was with her brother when he died. Perhaps delivering that message was the sole purpose of me being there. As parents we can’t always prevent the things that happen to our children, but we can be there for what happens after, in which ever format that might be.
Keeping Score
We think we know who the good parents are. And sometimes we think it’s not us. The reality is that we are playing the role we are supposed to play. Some days we will succeed, and other days we will fail. It’s just part of the journey we are on. Learn from our mistakes and try not to make them to many times. We can’t be perfect, but that doesn’t make us a horrible parent.
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
