Parenting
Most parents have thought about what they would do with 5 minutes in a room alone with their child’s abuser. I know I have played that scenario more than a few times. Thankfully for all concerned most people don’t act on it. Occasionally someone makes the news for taking care of the problem themselves. Ultimately they generally don’t feel better – assuming they don’t get arrested in the process. People generally feel cheated that they don’t get the opportunity, but it is really for the best. (If it’s any consolation, sex offenders suffer more than their share of accidents. Being transferred between facilities and in transit to and from court can result in a variety of injuries. Prison is it’s own set of hazards.)
I occasionally speak to groups of parents who had recently experienced disclosure. The first question they often ask is, “how did you keep from killing him?”. It’s probably the one thing people want to know most when their child is sexually abused. You want to do something and you want to have some control over the situation that makes you feel better. But for the most part you can’t.
If you are thinking through that 5 minute scenario, it’s important to take it to 10 minutes and beyond. This is the point in the fantasy involving the police. It probably also involves a dead sex offender. Rest assured they will be at your house within a few minutes. You may as well just call the police yourself and save them a trip to your house. This next few minutes of the scenario that holds most of us back. It does require some rational thinking. Unfortunately not all of us get to that point of clarity when the urge to fix the problem strikes.
Don’t Do It
Randall Margraves was hailed as a hero after asking the judge in the Larry Nassar case for his 5 minutes. He admitted afterwards that he wasn’t prepared for what was in his daughters’ victim impact statements. In a less publicized and policed courtroom, I think he would have gotten in a few good shots. Then he would have been handcuffed and removed from the courtroom. On the one hand I give him credit for doing it, while still knowing it’s not the right thing to do.
I also know that even if he succeeded, it wouldn’t ease his pain. He is lucky he wasn’t arrested. I hope the media leaves him and his family alone to heal rather than trying to parade him out as a hero. I would guarantee that he doesn’t feel that way. He’s thinking about the damage done and that he wasn’t there to protect his children when the sexual abuse happened. It’s a horrible feeling. The one thing you can do is to be there to help them deal with the experience. You can’t change the past, but you can help create your child’s future.
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
Parenting
Whether your child has been sexually abused or not, just about every parent thinks they are a horrible parent at some point. It’s one of those ideas that others generally don’t point out to you, but we beat ourselves up over and then look for proof that it is true.
“Weren’t you watching them?”
When your kids fall and need stitches, you might run this thought through your brain. When your child is molested, sooner or later someone is likely to say it out loud. It’s not meant to be judgmental it’s more a statement of self preservation that “this couldn’t happen to me”. The unenlightened have a view of world safety where you don’t take candy from strangers. Not one where you have to worry about a teacher, priests or family member.
The same people who watch a woman cut in half by a magician, can’t believe that someone they trust would deceive them in the most unimaginable way possible. Getting people to believe that you didn’t know your child was being sexually abused is probably one step below alien abduction. And much like trying to convince people the earth wasn’t flat or the center of the universe, it’s not worth getting burned at the stake over. It just takes time.
“I hate you and never want to speak to you again”
This one you might hear from your child. I think it may be standard programming for many teenagers but if you are dealing with parental guilt from thinking you could have prevented your child’s abuse, these words may sink in deeper than they would otherwise. Surely there must be something that you did wrong. More reinforcement that you are a horrible parent. Welcome to reactive behavior. Many children repress their emotions during abuse, and once the cat is out of the bag, those bottled up emotions come pouring out. Usually with all the control and order of a exploding catsup bottle. Lots of mess, and difficult to clean up. The key is to know that these outbursts are often magnified and out of context, and with a little luck, there is a return to normal in your future.
“I should have done things different”
You could easily say I couldn’t have done anything differently. Both are true and false, much like Schrodinger’s cat. It’s easy to second guess yourself, beat yourself up, rinse and repeat. This one of those things that everyone has to figure out for themselves. Hindsight reveals so much that we convince ourselves that we should have had the same insight at the time of the incident. It’s not true. It’s harder to see when you can play out multiple scenarios in your head.
A long time ago, I had a helicopter crash in the woods in back of my house. When I got to the wreckage, I found two people on fire. It’s not an image or smell that you ever forget. The feeling of not being able to pull someone out of a burning aircraft doesn’t go away either. Even the medical examiner telling you they were dead before they hit the ground still doesn’t push away doubts. The next day I learned the passenger was the brother of a girl I went to school with. I didn’t speak to her for almost a year after that.
There are a couple things I learned. Some things you can’t control. You can do everything right, and still not change events that are destined to happen. It’s not a failing on your part, it’s just that you didn’t play the role that you though you should have in this scenario. A year later I happened to bump into the sister of the guy I found and she only wanted to know was if I was with her brother when he died. Perhaps delivering that message was the sole purpose of me being there. As parents we can’t always prevent the things that happen to our children, but we can be there for what happens after, in which ever format that might be.
Keeping Score
We think we know who the good parents are. And sometimes we think it’s not us. The reality is that we are playing the role we are supposed to play. Some days we will succeed, and other days we will fail. It’s just part of the journey we are on. Learn from our mistakes and try not to make them to many times. We can’t be perfect, but that doesn’t make us a horrible parent.
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
Parenting, Sexual Abuse
In the last few weeks most of the world has been watching from a distance as events unfolded in Newtown, CT. For some of us the view has been a little closer, and it got me thinking. For the most part the public doesn’t know the families at this point. Most will quietly try to get on with their lives, a couple will do Oprah, and I am predicting that one will become a superhero.
When we went through the initial sexual abuse intake process I was mortified that it was being done on index cards. Not exactly 21st century technology. So I took it upon myself to fix the problem and built a web based case management system that was used by all child advocacy centers in the states. I tried to donate it, but it actually is harder than you might think. Superheros frequently have challenges helping those they are trying to help.
Becoming a superhero is a logical response and it seems to make sense. What six year old didn’t want to be a superhero? They are strong, brave, smart, and they get to have special powers. Costumes are cool when you are 6 but unless you are a multi-millionaire with lots of gadgets, or have some unique physical ability, the costume is probably a bit much.
Your Breaking Point
When something happens to someone you love, people respond different ways. Most simply shut down. They stop leaving the house, showering, things like that. A small group look for ways to solve the problem, or at least make it better in some way in the future. I probably fit into the later category. I am a firm believer that the best way to help yourself is to help others. You can’t change the past, but you can change someone’s future.
The superhero takes helping people to a whole new level. Many parents will setup a non-profit foundation, or write a book, or help a law to be created. When I was a senior in college one of the freshman girls was murdered. Now there is a foundation and a law (the Clery Act) which requires uniform reporting of violence and sexual assault on college campuses. Not quite superhero status, but pretty close.
When Adam Walsh was sexually assaulted and murdered, his father John made it his mission to take on all the bad guys. He helped create a law, and then created America’s most wanted which lead to a huge number of arrests. I don’t have a complete laundry list of all of John’s accomplishments over the past 20 years, but he probably has publicly done more to protect future generations of children than any other person.
John’s wife Rev’e stayed out of the spotlight but almost single handed changed the way law enforcement handle missing children cases. She was instrumental in creating the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children.
Casualties of War
Much like most superheros, love was a casualty for the Walsh’s They divorced but were fortunate enough to reconcile. Many couples are not as lucky. Dealing with the trauma can destroy regular relationships. Becoming a superhero only adds to the complexity.
The Walsh’s stepped into a problem needing a solution – sexual abuse of children. One of the parents of Sandy Hook is likely to do the same with assault weapons. Superheros come in all shapes, sizes, and abilities. They can take on the big problems, or just some of the little ones. Becoming a superhero has both it’s benefits and risks. Most people will choose to put their lives back together. A small few will accept the calling. Maybe you will become a superhero, or maybe you will just want to make life better for someone else.
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
Parenting
For most parents of a sexual abuse victim, the idea of “dispensing with” the offending party has probably crossed their mind. Usually it is something that crosses your mind some time after the abuse happens. You’ve had time to process the experience and you’ve come to the conclusion that the whole situation SUCKS! You’ve grown frustrated with the wheels of justice and start thinking about alternatives to the situation. It’s a semi-satisfactory fantasy and wishful thinking of the classic triumph of good over evil. We see it in the movies all the time where the bad guy gets it in the end. I guess it’s part of our popular culture. And while most of us might think about it, few of us actually go through with it. And that is probably a good thing for all concerned.
Recently a father in Texas found his 5 year old being sexually abused and beat the man to death on the spot. Most of us have the luxury of finding out about our children’s abuse after the fact. Often we are told by our children so we try to contain our emotions and convince our child that things are going to be ok. Inside we may be screaming in our minds, but on the outside we try to be a calming force. I’m sure watching it happens has an effect on the mind that can’t fully be understood by those of us that only got the details second hand.
What would you do?
I suspect if I had been in his shoes, I would have thrown equally as many punches, and possibly with the same results. The question is what now? The man in question is probably equally mortified by what happened to his daughter and the fact that he killed someone with his bare hands. It’s not the same when it’s not a fantasy. I’ve watched two people die horrible deaths. After 30 years, there is still a part of me that wishes I could have saved them. I can only imagine how I would feel if I was responsible.
I don’t know what is next for this man. My hope is that it is viewed that he was defending his daughter and there will be no further legal actions. I suspect the combination of the two experience will either make the event harder, or possibly give some closure to the event. Or possibly a combination of both. Every case is different. Given time to think about things, I’m sure he would have taken a different approach. But when someone you love is in danger, you do what you need to do. I wish him and his family well in dealing with recent events.
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
Parenting, Sexual Abuse
A few months ago the phrase “Jerry’s Kids” brought to mind a charitable organization that has helped children for years. Now it’s more aptly associated with Jerry Sandusky and the Penn State sexual assault victims. There are some interesting parallels. Both center around non profit agencies for children. The question of motivation is where things get muddy. Both organizations clearly value and try to further the interests of children. It’s still mind boggling when organizations with an unquestionable purpose actually turn out to have a dark side.
I use the term mind boggling figuratively. But there is a very real component of this conflict of reality that most people’s brains can’t comprehend both conditions existing. The brain tends to be binary in it’s early stages of learning. There are good people and bad people. The possibility of both existing within the same person is a concept that the brain would rather ignore than accept because it violates the rules.
Brain Damage
If you are a Star Trek fan you will remember an episode where an entity takes over the computer. The crew is able to destroy the evil entity by giving the computer an impossible problem to solve. It basically crashes (Sorry for the spoiler if you are just rediscovering the Star Trek series). People’s brains do the same thing. They want to crash and reboot when they encounter something that shouldn’t be possible. If you have ever lost work when your computer crashes, memories can equally be lost when our brains try to convince us that what we experience is not real and should therefore be ignored. This is one of the reasons why so many people come forward years later. Pieces of new information allow them to recognize events as real.
In our daily lives we are surrounded by organizations that are setup to serve children. The assumption is that their purposes are purely motivated and they are run by good people. It’s a reasonable assumption that is generally true until it isn’t. What’s even more confusing is that the children who are often getting the most positive attention, are also the ones who are being abused. We all need to get our brains to recognize that the lines between good and bad frequently blur. The sooner we can identify this incongruency in the organizations that serve children, the sooner we can begin to deal with the evil entities that sometimes take up home in them.
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse victim situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
Parenting
boundaries are strange things. We generally don’t give it them a second thought. Sexual abuse brings them to the forefront though. Victims tend to see the world as a series of boundaries. Be conscious of how your child looks at boundaries.
It may just be his or her room. Does the door need to be open or closed? Do they create barriers that make it difficult to get in and out their rooms? These are all considerations when you look at the boundaries in your life.
What about sports or games? Are they open ended and broad, or are they contained and do they have specific elements of boundaries in them? Now this is true of most sports, but there seems to be an attraction to sports where the boundaries are a prominent aspect of the game. Some examples are volleyball, tennis, and golf. Hockey, baseball, and basketball still have a defined playing area, but going out of bounds is not a penalty.
Finding Comfort
Spacial relationships about where you live are often a similar consideration. Is the area wide open, or enclosed? Look at the situations where your child may be uncomfortable and see if any of these aspects come into play. Everyone has their own preferences in life and some of them come as the result of circumstances such as this. Try to look at where boundary issues impact your child’s life. Once you know what makes them comfortable in the world, you can try to make changes accordingly.
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse victim situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
