When you can’t protect your kids

Parenting

When you get married most people start off with a short list of things that you promise to do that usually ends with “til death do you part”.  It gets modified based on personal preference and believes but it is still a part of the standard contract.  Fatherhood has a set of rules as well, but they are often unspoken.  It’s part of the “Dad’s Code”.  If it were written down somewhere it would probably be something along the lines of “to do everything in your power to protect your child from harm, including sacrificing your own life for your child’s safety.” 

Every year there are a couple Dads that find their way onto the front page of CNN by making this ultimate sacrifice.   Most of us never have to go that far, and even more of us aren’t in the right place to protect our children when something bad happens.  When that bad thing is sexual abuse, almost 20% of us fathers will experience not being there to protect our children.  And no one even wants to talk about it.

Everything Changes

Finding out your child has been sexual abused leaves you questioning life, the universe and your responsibilities as a father.  There is no rulebook for this part of your life.  Chances are you don’t know anyone who is in your current situation and don’t know how you got to this place.  For some fathers feelings of guilt can be overwhelming.  Some people shut down, turn to an assortment of chemicals, or worse.  For the uneducated, the immediate response is that they let their child down and should have been able to prevent the abuse.  The truth is actually very different and much more complex than you would think.  If you are lucky enough to have access to a Child Advocacy Center (http://www.nationalchildrensalliance.org/), most of them have a 10-week class for non-offending parents. 

It basically covers everything you never wanted to know about child sexual abuse.  During one of the first couple of classes the instructor explained to us how all children are molested.  It’s sort of like learning how magicians cut a woman in half, except you want to throw up.  It’s more than a little disheartening to find out how easily we can be manipulated by people we trust.  This will mess with your head, but you owe it to yourself and your child to educate yourself.  Education is your best tool to deal with this issue going forward.

You Can’t Ignore It

Too many fathers take this crushing blow of primal failure as something to be covered up.   Things would be better if we just made it go away.  They don’t talk about it with other people, and all too often they shy away from legal action, and even getting therapy for their child.  As a short-term strategy, this actually tends to work for most people.  Long term, the damage becomes much more apparent.  Abuse victims are much more prone to future domestic abuse, mental illness, substance abuse, and a myriad of other problems.  Dealing with the problem when it happens will help rebuild the foundation of your child’s life.  It is important to be proactive and get your family the help they need.  We all stumble from time to time.  This is one of those times that fathers really need to be there for their kids.

Sometimes you can’t protect your kids

Sexual abuse is probably the last of the topics that people don’t talk about.  Cancer, homosexuality, and mental illness are all topics that have become acceptable to discuss publicly within the last couple of decades.  Sexual abuse still isn’t there yet.  Quite frankly it scares the shit out of people that “the strangers” we have been warning children about for decades are not the offenders.  Roughly someone the child and the family knows and trusts commits 97% of all sexual abuse.  It is almost unimaginable to think that we are that poor judges of character. 

In almost all cases it’s someone we know and trust.  If not a family member it is often a religious figure, teacher or other person who is active in your child’s life.  They tend to be active in their community and are known for being good with kids.  They are usually the last person you would suspect of doing something like this.  People will quickly take sides and you will find that your community, church and sometimes even your family becomes divided.  If you are wondering whom to believe, less than 3% of allegations of sexual abuse are made up.  And if your child is below the age when they should have knowledge of sex, the likelihood of this being made up is practically zero.

Dad Code

So whether you have lived through this, or hope that you never do, I would like to modify the “Dad Code” for you.   The reality is that this is just one of the bad things that can happen to children.  You can’t always protect your kids. And much like car accidents, leukemia, and autism, it’s not something you actually have control over.  Most people will wrestle with this for a long time.  Unfortunately I don’t have one-size fits all cure for this guilt.  I will offer you this challenge though.  A father’s responsibility is not just to protect their children from harm when they can.  It is to do everything they can to help their children be successful regardless of what challenges the world might present them with.  We can’t always be there when they fall, but we can be there to help them get back up again.