Sexual Abuse
There was a recent article about child sexual abuse which had a good description of what to talk to your kids about how and when to discuss sexual abuse with your children. http://www.nymetroparents.com/article/tips-on-how-and-when-to-talk-to-your-children-about-sexual-abuse
Unplanned Disclosure
For 90%+ of parents out there, this may be all they need. For a small group of parents, an exercise in sexual abuse prevention may turn into an unplanned disclosure. It’s one thing to have a plan for preventing your worst fears, it’s something different to realize them in the process. It becomes especially difficult because in almost all cases, the situation violates the rules of trust you have in your life. We are predisposed to trust parents, grandparents, cousins, siblings, baby sitter, teachers, religious figures, and social leaders. Unfortunately this covers almost all of the relationships that abusers fall into. As a parent, finding out that someone in your life that you trust is sexually abusing your child is probably one step below finding out that person can levitate or is actually an alien from another planet. The later two would actually be easier to hear, but based on everything you know about this person there is no way that this should be true. Humans have difficulty processing this type of information. In many cases the brain simply says “lets just go with what we know to be true” and people essentially forget what they have just seen and heard. It’s trauma, and it does funny things to the brain. I’m not a psychiatrist so I’m over simplifying, but there are plenty of examples of women walking in on their husbands/fathers/etc. abusing a child and essentially being told “you didn’t see anything” and they go back to what they were doing. If you don’t believe how susceptible people are to suggestion watch some video’s of Darren Brown on youtube. He’s a British hypnotist that has a TV show where they do crazy things to people in public. In one episode he walks up to people in a resort town and starts asking for directions, starts a conversation and starts asking for their keys, wallets, etc. and they willingly hand it over and he walks away. At least this is fun to watch.
The Triangle of Trust
Almost all child sexual abuse situations have a triangle of trust. Mommy trusts this person – you trust mommy – so you should trust this person. Breaking this trust does things to the brain of the victim as well. The brain can’t handle the event so it sort of switches into “this isn’t happening mode”. They can develop dis-associative behavior to deal with the abuse. Volumes have been written on the subject. The important thing for parents is to be able deal with the fact that by the time they find out, in most cases it isn’t the first time. It’s been going on for months or in some cases years. How can this be? This brings us back to the triangle. Your child doesn’t want to break the triangle of trust so they just keep it to themselves. Its hard to accept, but this is how it plays out for almost every parent who finds out about their child’s abuse. Just know that as incredible as this may sound, it’s true.
Could they be making this up?
Almost every parent will have a moment where they question if their child is making this up. Kids are experts at make believe. They can be gladiators, princesses, and astronauts with a couple of household items. Also lots of them have imaginary friends. Why is this different? Research has shown that it’s simply not something that children make up stories about. It’s a subject that is generally beyond their imaginary experience so it generally can’t come from there. In the rare instance that a child is making something up, it’s usually in divorce cases where one parent plants ideas to regain custody. Bottom line is you need to believe even when you can’t.
Your own trauma
While you may be focused on your child, you are experiencing your own traumatic event with your child’s disclosure. They have already figured out a coping mechanism, but you haven’t. Their coping mechanism might be ultimately counter productive, but there will be plenty of time to work on that. Your mission is to get your child through this important phase. Try to stay strong knowing that your stress level has just been cranked to 11. Others have gotten through this, and you can too. It’s all going to take time.
That first step
You’ve got a call to make. It probably involves making a decision to turn in someone close to you to the police. Some people will simply try to remove their child from the situation, but it will just happen to someone else. Your child is probably not the first victim, and if something isn’t done, they won’t be the last. You may be feeling embarrassed that you didn’t see what is going on. You may feel betrayed. And you may have to make a choice between your child and someone else you know/love/care about. Your world has already changed. You can’t put the genie back in the bottle. At this point you have a few options. All state’s have a child abuse and neglect hotline. If a child is in potential danger, I would recommend this as a first choice. If you feel you may also be in danger, your local police may be the place to start. Both will interact with the other as needed. If safety issues are not your first concern, you may want to start with your local child advocacy center. There are locations listed at the link below. They provide a safe comfortable environment for your child to make disclosure and see a variety of professionals. They can also start you on a path to dealing with the sexual abuse as a non-offending parent. Make your choice, and make the call.
National Children’s Alliance
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
Sexual Abuse
The military has a lot of traditions. Many are good and serve a purpose, other’s – not so much. Sexual abuse in the military is one of them. I spent 8 years in the military and I’ve seen my share of both. Clearly things haven’t improved much in the 15 years since I got out. I find it interesting during the recent Senate hearings watching the top brass express their outrage at the situation. My experience is that senior officers are often the worst offenders. Not to color all the brass with the same brush, but when abuse is happening at the lower levels, it doesn’t get much attention. Sexual abuse and sexual discrimination by senior officers is much more visible, and in some cases blatant. Everybody knows, but no one talks.
Beautiful Girls
Most women like to be appreciated for their brains rather than their bodies. But the reality is that beautiful girls tend to get extra attention. The military is no different. Occasionally things go beyond that. I remember one new airman that joined our unit. I think she was supposed to be admin support, but she could easily have been a model. Within 2 weeks of her being assigned, a senior officer happened to see her and she was reassigned to the General’s staff. I don’t know what ever happened to her, but there was no official reason for her to be reassigned.
You would also see trends in General’s executive officers. The percentage of attractive 30 something blonds in these roles was well above statistical average. The same was true for jet pilots who flew General officers around. Most people who have been in the military have similar examples from their own experience. In many ways, you might see similar examples in the corporate world. Some of the main differences related to sexual abuse come in how things are handled, when things go beyond some referential treatment.
Commander’s Discretion
Usually when someone reports sexual harassment, sexual abuse, or similar issues, the base Inspector General will refer the issue to the unit commander for further investigation. The Commander in turn will typically assign a Captain or Major as the investigating officer. They are given authority to take statements, interview witnesses, and gather evidence.
I had to do this once in my career. Most people are afraid to talk to you, and if they do they usually don’t want their statements traced back to them. So you usually end up interviewing extra people just so the people who have information aren’t singled out. It usually takes a couple of weeks, and then you put together a formal report and return it to the Commander for further review/action. The Commander then provides a response to the Inspector General about whether anything was found and whether further action is necessary.
The problem here is that there is no requirement for the paperwork from the investigation to go the IG. And many times it doesn’t. I was ordered to submit all copies of the report to the Commander and to shred all working papers. I never learned the outcome, but I suspect the report ended in the shredder as well.
Once something becomes an official investigation, even in the case of a court martial, the ranking officer in charge has a final say in the matter. So even a formal finding of guilt can be vacated through Commander’s discretion. Such is the fate of all to many military sexual assault victims.
Fix the Problem (Translation – Make the Problem Go Away)
There are a lot of video clips this week of senior military leaders saying that the problem needs to be fixed immediately. The issue is that the problem isn’t getting worse, it is that victims are feeling more comfortable coming forward. Typically only about 15% of cases are reported. If you get up to 30% it suddenly looks like an epidemic to the outside world. Most people won’t see that aspect. We think all crimes are reported, and with sexual assault the opposite is true.
In the early stages, the more you educate, the greater the increase in the number of reported cases. People don’t know how to deal with this apparent opposite reaction. The easiest way to get the numbers to go down is to stop asking if there is a problem. It’s counter intuitive and it’s also counter productive. Unfortunately it is likely to happen. Senior military leaders need to educate those at all levels that this is the path to fixing the problem. During that time, they are going to need thick skins and provide a safe environment for all victims to come forward.
Steps Forward
I don’t know if the top brass will be able to create the enlightened environment they need so they can weather the storm until numbers actually start to drop. Removal of Commanders discretion is a big step forward. The days of abuse investigation files being tossed in a drawer or a shredder will quickly come to an end.
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
Sexual Abuse
We’ve all had stressful job interviews. For some it’s the questions, for others it is the waiting. And every few years it’s the expectations of a billion people for you to lead them. It’s currently just over 30 days from when the Vatican says we will have a new Pope. I’m not Catholic but I still find the process interesting. And as a parent dealing with sexual abuse of a child, I see the Pope as having more potential to do something about the problem of child sexual abuse by priests than anyone else on the planet. So the question is will the next Pope live up to that potential?
As with any job interview, the decision isn’t left to the masses. Many people think because we vote for President that those millions of votes are what matters, but in reality it is this strange thing called the Electoral College. So in reality the voters that matter could fit in a typical gymnasium. The process with selecting a Pope is a much more secretive process known as Conclave. In either case it comes down to whether the needs and values of those voting are met by a particular candidate.
What is the church looking for?
So what will be Conclave be looking for in the new Pope? The Catholic Church , perhaps more than any other organization, has a history of protecting itself as an institution as a first priority. The current Pope has spent most of his tenure watching a series of lawsuits unfolding from decades of sexual abuse. Many say that this is the actual reason he is stepping down.
The problems of the church are two big and should be left to a younger man. I don’t know if this is actually true, but I would have liked to have heard that as reason. To be fair, I don’t think this is an unrealistic expectation for a Pope. They are supposed to be a spiritual leader, not the leader of a legal team. Be that as it may, such is the likely role for the next Pope. The question is will he focus on transparency and cleaning house, or will he be looking for a rug big enough to sweep all of this under. Again, a lot will depend on what the members of Conclave are looking for.
So much like our Electoral College, there is an expectation that members represent the views of those who sent them there. So if you are communicating with your local Bishop maybe you could suggest the following three things:
- The next Pope must make the Catholic Church once again a safe place for children
- The next Pontiff must find a way to let past sexual abuse by priests victims get closure
- The Pope must purge the church of abuser priests
Then maybe he can get back to the business of being Pope.
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
Sexual Abuse
It always amazes me that problems much less common than sexual abuse like autism and cancer tend to get much more attention. I don’t know if they are any less scary, but anything sex related is difficult to talk about. And for many people, it’s just something that is better off not spoken of. Well, while people aren’t talking about it, the cost to society continues to go up.
Even if you somehow thought sexual abuse was OK wouldn’t it start to bother you as a tax payer that it is costing our society (just in the U.S) over $100 Billion dollars a year in medical, legal and other costs. The average rape cost society over $150,000. The figures on child sexual abuse tend to not be included because they are difficult to measure. It’s estimated that only about 15% of sexual abuse is reported even though it is happening to roughly 25% of children by the time they are 18. For more costs check out http://www.nsvrc.org/sites/default/files/CostsConsequencesSV.pdf
Slavery today?
And for those of you who thought Lincoln ended slavery, think again. There are more people in slavery today than there were in 1865. Current estimates on just sex slavery currently put the number at around 27,000,000 people world wide. Looking at that another way, that’s every man, woman and child north east of Washington DC. Or sliced a different way – the entire population of Texas. It’s a problem almost too big to comprehend – and as a result people don’t want to talk about it. Beginning the discussion is the first step to making these problems go away. It’s also important to reframe how we look at the issue of sex slavery.
The word prostitution has a different connotation than slavery. It’s “the worlds oldest profession”, and that label seems to imply a choice of vocation. These women decided to make their money by being paid for sex – or at least that’s how it is portrayed by society. The reality is that most were bought or kidnapped and imprisoned and held through drugs or economically where they could never pay off what they owed to whoever bought them. It’s a difficult cycle to break, and the organizations that are doing it are going door to door and freeing one child at a time. If you would like to help, check out http://www.theexodusroad.com/
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
Parenting, Sexual Abuse
In the last few weeks most of the world has been watching from a distance as events unfolded in Newtown, CT. For some of us the view has been a little closer, and it got me thinking. For the most part the public doesn’t know the families at this point. Most will quietly try to get on with their lives, a couple will do Oprah, and I am predicting that one will become a superhero.
When we went through the initial sexual abuse intake process I was mortified that it was being done on index cards. Not exactly 21st century technology. So I took it upon myself to fix the problem and built a web based case management system that was used by all child advocacy centers in the states. I tried to donate it, but it actually is harder than you might think. Superheros frequently have challenges helping those they are trying to help.
Becoming a superhero is a logical response and it seems to make sense. What six year old didn’t want to be a superhero? They are strong, brave, smart, and they get to have special powers. Costumes are cool when you are 6 but unless you are a multi-millionaire with lots of gadgets, or have some unique physical ability, the costume is probably a bit much.
Your Breaking Point
When something happens to someone you love, people respond different ways. Most simply shut down. They stop leaving the house, showering, things like that. A small group look for ways to solve the problem, or at least make it better in some way in the future. I probably fit into the later category. I am a firm believer that the best way to help yourself is to help others. You can’t change the past, but you can change someone’s future.
The superhero takes helping people to a whole new level. Many parents will setup a non-profit foundation, or write a book, or help a law to be created. When I was a senior in college one of the freshman girls was murdered. Now there is a foundation and a law (the Clery Act) which requires uniform reporting of violence and sexual assault on college campuses. Not quite superhero status, but pretty close.
When Adam Walsh was sexually assaulted and murdered, his father John made it his mission to take on all the bad guys. He helped create a law, and then created America’s most wanted which lead to a huge number of arrests. I don’t have a complete laundry list of all of John’s accomplishments over the past 20 years, but he probably has publicly done more to protect future generations of children than any other person.
John’s wife Rev’e stayed out of the spotlight but almost single handed changed the way law enforcement handle missing children cases. She was instrumental in creating the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children.
Casualties of War
Much like most superheros, love was a casualty for the Walsh’s They divorced but were fortunate enough to reconcile. Many couples are not as lucky. Dealing with the trauma can destroy regular relationships. Becoming a superhero only adds to the complexity.
The Walsh’s stepped into a problem needing a solution – sexual abuse of children. One of the parents of Sandy Hook is likely to do the same with assault weapons. Superheros come in all shapes, sizes, and abilities. They can take on the big problems, or just some of the little ones. Becoming a superhero has both it’s benefits and risks. Most people will choose to put their lives back together. A small few will accept the calling. Maybe you will become a superhero, or maybe you will just want to make life better for someone else.
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
Sexual Abuse
Most people have heard the term winter blues. It’s also known as seasonal affective disorder, or it’s appropriate acronym SAD. If you are new to the concept, it is especially prevalent in northern regions where there isn’t as much sunlight in the winter months. Many people actually get sad lights to help them with this condition. As winter blues implies, certain people tend to feel sad or depressed during the winter months. Light therapy is a common treatment for seasonal affective disorder. Victims of sexual abuse and parents of sexual abuse victims are not uniquely affected by the winter blues, but there are additional factors as well – namely the holidays.
Bah Humbug
I’m not a good holiday person. I used to be, but this is one of the things that changed for me with our family’s abuse. If you are just starting to deal with your child’s abuse take a minute to look at the changes in your life. Amongst other things, you will probably notice:
- You don’t have as much energy
- You pay extra attention to faces when you are in public places like malls
- Ben and Jerry become your new best friends (substitute choice of food as applicable)
- You are shorter on patience
Over the first few months you may notice the above items less because you will eventually get used to this new normal. So now you are watching a little more reality TV and you need to buy a new size of jeans, it’s all a part of getting older – right? This doesn’t apply to every parent who’s child gets abused. When the other parent is the abuser, and divorce is added to the mix, weight loss is actually more the norm. Either way, your world is changed and you eventually will adapt to it as normal. This is where the challenge with holidays starts for me.
Moving towards change
Your new normal is probably pretty low on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. You are focused basically on survival level activities. Your definition of a good day is just getting through it without crying. Thanksgiving is the warm up act for the big event, but this is about the time that I notice my stress level starts to go up. I’m guessing Hanukkah is somewhat less stressful because it is lower key and it is spread out over several days. Christmas is the Superbowl of holidays. Start adding the decorating, the shopping (multiply those faces at the mall by 50. I still look at almost every face), the house cleaning, the travelling, the cooking, the cards, etc. and I can’t wait for it be over. Sound familiar?
The holidays
Does life starts to get harder toward the end of November and starts looking better after the new year? Maybe it’s time to take a look at what is going on in your life. If it’s your garden variety winter blues, maybe a light machine is your ticket. If the holidays are just too much of a stretch from your daily normal, you need to take a different approach.
In simple terms, your new normal has filled up with crap. In our old normal we had space in our life for cranking up the volume on life for things like holidays. If your cup is already full, life just sort of pours all over the place and makes a mess. Try to look at the things that have entered your life since your child was sexually abused. Also look at the things that may have left your life like vacations, reading, exercise, etc. Figure out what you can change. You may have to stretch yourself. See if you can make room for Christmas every day. For 364 days a year you will have room for what life throws your way. And for those special days like Christmas, you will be ready.
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
