Sexual Abuse
Groucho Marx is famous for saying that he would never want to be the member of a club that would want him as a member. As far as parenting goes, I believe being the parent of a sexually abused child is the second worst club to be a member of. It’s painful, it lingers, and no one really understands it. In most cases though, there is a silver lining, and that is that your child is still alive.
In Newtown Connecticut this morning 20 parents sent their kids off to school not knowing they were going to be joining the ranks of the the worst club for parents. When a single child dies, we focus on the family. We go through the rituals we always go through when someone dies. When something occurs on this scale it’s a shock to the system. You can’t take it all in, and you can’t focus on grief the way you usually do. One death is misfortune but something on this scale is just hard to explain. You can actually count the number of times it has happened in the United States on one hand in the last 100 years. We don’t do well with things that don’t make sense and are hard to explain. Take many of the elements of sexual abuse and magnify it by 10.
What hurts more?
It’s not fair or realist to compare sexual abuse with the death of a child. But it’s something we do all the time. People will compare the incidents in their life – abuse, addiction, divorce, loss, bankruptcy, cancer, etc. Who is more of a victim? the truth is there is more than enough pain in the world to go around. What we should be asking is what are we thankful for? It’s real easy to dwell on the bad because it reaches out and knocks up side of the head. Good things are a lot more subtle and we don’t pay attention to them as much.
I don’t know where sexual abuse would really rank if you gathered a group representing everything bad that can happen to you. If you focus too much on it, you probably will see it as the worst thing in the world. In the event that’s the case, that’s probably all you will ever see. If you can step back and find something to be thankful for, than it probably doesn’t belong in the number one position. Having a sexually abused child is difficult, but there are worse things. If you are able to hug your child and tell them that you love them, than you have something to be thankful for.
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
Sexual Abuse
Over the next few months I’m going to be doing a series of posts on sex slavery. In southeast Asia it is basically an industry. Thailand actually has a tourist market for sex – mostly girls. Sri Lanka on the other hand is less well known to the public but has a huge sex trade for young boys. These are the areas that are among the most public. Eastern Europe has a much less public sex trade. And then there is the United States. Worldwide there are more than 20 million people in slavery. That’s more slaves than there were during the civil war.
We are starting to follow the efforts of The Exodus Road ( http://www.theexodusroad.com ) . They are a group helping women in Southeast Asia out of sex slavery. It’s one success story at a time, but the pipeline is being back filled almost as quickly as being rescued. While each success is important, the real value is that this is one of the more active regions for creating awareness of the problem. In contrast, the last real attention Sri Lanka got was when one of it’s more famous residents – Arthur C. Clarke had his knighting ceremony quietly rescheduled off the Queen’s schedule. Apparently he wasn’t living there for the tropical climate.
Sex Trafficking at Home
The sex trafficking and slavery going on in the United States is much more subtle and doesn’t get nearly as much attention as it should. In my work with social service agencies, I see girls in residential care regularly being targeted for exploitation. Promises of money quickly turn to drugs and debt and eventually slavery. It’s happening in almost every major city and we barely see it. There is a perception that prostitution is a crime, and that the women performing sex for money are doing that of their own free will. Pimps aren’t just for protection and handling the money, they are generally the ones calling the shots. Girls are bought, sold, and traded like baseball cards. It’s not unlike what is happening in other parts of the world. We just need to wake up and start seeing the problem.
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
Sexual Abuse
A recent report from Britain’s Office of the Children’s Commissioner found an alarming number of sexual abuse cases attributed to gangs. The study identified 2,409 victims in the first year of the study. Of those, 155 were also identified as also being perpetrators. The abuse consists of both multi-person attacks and various activities as a part of gang initiation. And the problem isn’t limited to the UK.
If you are like most people, your view of gangs is a slightly updated version of West Side Story. The gangs we generally think of are generally ethnically or geographically specific and have identifying clothing. Usually there are enough gang members to make identification easy. That was more or less my view of gangs, and I have indirectly worked with gang members for the last few years. Unfortunately, that is an outdated view of gangs.
What is a gang?
Gangs in 2012 are more like terror cells. A gang can be as little as 3 people. They also aren’t hierarchical like they were 20 years ago. It’s more a matter of self association than an organization where you work your way up the ranks. Individuals may be associated to multiple gangs over time. This apparent lack of structure makes dealing with gangs all the more challenging. While people are expecting large groups of marauding youths, they don’t see the small groups and the dangers that they bring. As an example, 80% of all crime in the State of Massachusetts is gang related. Other states are starting to note similarly high rates of gang involvement.
The issue of increasing sex abuse in gangs probably is connected to the smaller more fluid structure. Most sex abuse is not about sexual preference or interest. It’s actually about power and control. What better way to exact control and authority in a way that is not obvious to the outside world.
Changing Landscape
The changing nature of gangs is just starting to be understood. The UK study is actually one of the first looks at sex abuse within the gang community. Gangs are not a new concept, but the criminal focus has been on drugs and weapons usage. It’s possible that the sexual abuse component has been around for a while, especially given the percentage of abused that become abusers. It’s a learned behavior of control, and both in and out of gangs, it is a cycle that perpetuates itself over time. Sexual abuse is a complicated subject. Much like gangs, we are just starting to get educated on sexual abuse as to what is really happening.
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
Sexual Abuse
Mandatory reporters of child sexual abuse is a noble concept which often falls short of the goal. In principal all educators, medical practitioners, child protective service workers and those licensed to work with children in camps,etc. are required by most state laws to report suspicion or disclosure of sexual abuse to the appropriate agency or police. There are also generally certain legal protections similar to whistle blower laws. It’s great in theory, and when it works, it works well. When it doesn’t work, well – let’s just say it’s hard to find an owner for fixing the problem.
Where was the Mandatory Reporter
Chances are that if you are dealing with the sexual abuse of a child, someone who may have been a mandatory reporter may not have fulfilled their obligation at some point during the time your child was being abused. Granted this is a somewhat speculative statement to make so broadly, and there are probably no statistics, but based on my experience I think it is probably true. The recent Jerry Sandusky sexual abuse case is a typical example. The mother of the first victim reported it to the school principal, because the contact with Jerry was coordinated through the school. What should have happened was the principal should have explained to the mother that she was a mandatory reporter and her next step was to contact either the police or child protective services (depending on state rules).
Also, because it was tied to an individual associated with a school or place of employment, a written report is generally followed up after the verbal report. Instead, the principal told the mother to go home and think about it because of who Jerry Sandusky was. There’s a lot of unspoken hints going on there. She might as well of said “who are you to question Jerry”, or “do you really think anyone will believe you?”. These are exactly the type of situations mandatory reporters are supposed to avoid. The responsibility is simple and not subject to interpretation, but it happens all the time.
In our case, the owner of the facility not only didn’t report the abuse as they should have, they sued us because they lost business as a result of us telling other parents what happened. They eventually filed bankruptcy and went out of business but it just added insult to injury.
Reporting Rules
Trying to report someone for not acting on their mandatory reporting responsibilities can be it’s own set of problems. Standards, training and reporting are generally managed by a child protective services organization. Designation as a mandatory reporter might be controlled by a department of education or a state licensing agency or some other agency all together. It’s easy enough to read about what a mandatory reporter is supposed to do. But guidance on what should happen when a mandatory reporter doesn’t report correctly is often vague or confusing to all concerned.
Several years ago the Hartford Public Schools had a program for early identification of child sexual abuse. The approach was innovative – they asked kids if they had ever been abused. The volume of abuse cases went way up, until some complained. Then staff were not allowed to ask any more. And abuse cases returned to normal levels. While we can point a finger at people like the principal in the Sandusky case, it is a case of the organization/community wanting to protect itself. Sexual abuse reports are disruptive to the natural order of things. For many, the best way to deal with a problem like this is to not deal with it it. The system fails the victim, but order is maintained.
Common Mandatory Reporter Practices
To eliminate these types of scenarios in the future, it’s important to have common practices in all states. There also needs to be uniform education requirements and certification requirements for all mandatory reporters. Signing a form and reading a pamphlet is not enough. And last there needs to be clear penalties for not acting appropriately as a mandatory reporter. As long as mandatory reporters are only reporting sometimes, there’s more work to be done.
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
Sexual Abuse
Last week Jerry Sandusky was officially sentenced and the letters to the court from Jerry and Dottie Sandusky were publicized. Basically they blamed the system and labeled everyone who testified against them as liars. Anyone who has testified against an abuser has heard the same thing. Having read similar letters, they seem to have a similar tone. They have sort of a memoiresque quality to them, as if they were written for an audience. It’s not an appeal, it’s more of a narration of events. It’s not until you get to the end he says something curious, “I know in my heart, I didn’t do these disgusting act.” When was the last time you heard that type of phrasing? Imagine if your child told you, “I know in my heart, I did not eat the cookie.” It sounds even stranger when you try to use it in a different context. I basically read this as they are things that go against everything he believes in, and he can’t reconcile himself that he is responsible.
Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing
This logic plays itself out in virtually every high profile abuse case. Prominent men, dedicated to kids and the community, are doing things that go against everything they stand for in the public eye. The public can’t reconcile it, and logically it shouldn’t be true, so calling victims liars makes perfect sense. It’s basic logic – I do good things, these are bad things, therefore I could not have done them. By the same token you can say I like to go south in the winter, birds go south in the winter, therefore I must be a bird. It looks obviously stupid when you see it on paper, but watching it play out in real life or in a court room isn’t as clear. Sexual abuse is about deception in a series of relationships that we want to be able to trust. We want our world to make sense and when things don’t make sense we revert to the simplest answer that does makes sense. And whether that is something we tell ourselves, or tell the world, just because it makes sense logically doesn’t make it true.
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse victim situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
Sexual Abuse
Last week a Catholic Priest made a comment to the National Catholic Register that Priests are often seduced by the children they are accused of abusing. The backlash was swift and prompted an equally quick retraction and apology by Reverend Benedict Groeschel. The back peddling included comments by the priest that “My mind and my way of expressing myself are not as clear as they used to be”. Apparently he had been in a car accident at some point in the past. Strangely the church felt he was still in a position to talk to the media in his diminished condition. The priest also conveyed his sympathy for Jerry Sandusky and that first time offenders should not go to jail “because their attention was not committing a crime”.
While you are pondering this case, it comes closely on the heals of Representative Todd Akin’s comments that in cases of “True Rape” women’s body’s are able to control whether they get pregnant or not. Aside from being equally stupid statements, they are responses to a similar conflict in logic.
Defying logic
In grade school we are often faced with silly logic problems. Johnny likes being under water. Fish live underwater. Therefore Johnny is a a fish. This is an exaggerated example, but in the case of the church it reflects a need to believe that all Priests are true to their calling. If they stray from that calling it must be because someone steered them in that direction. Hence you get the logic that children seduce priests.
In the Akin example , he holds a belief that there are no exceptions for abortion. Rape complicates that belief. You need a mental model that allows you to deal with an absolute belief and a recognition that rape is a crime. Wouldn’t it be nice if the human body knew the difference between sexual interactions that are appropriate and those that are not? That must be it. Pretty soon the hope becomes a reality. Then you go on national TV and look like an idiot because the rest of the world can’t see how you put 2 and 2 together and got 5.
A Painful Drama
This mental drama plays itself out on a smaller scale in most of our children’s abuse cases. It may be as subtle as another parent asking “weren’t you watching your child?”. It’s insulting and self protective at the same time. I’m a good parent. I wouldn’t let this happen. Therefore someone who would let this happen probably wasn’t doing their job. It’s flawed logic, but it’s how people make sense of a conflicting world.
All of these examples are symptoms of a lack of education. When there is a lack of information about a complex situation, the brain wants to fill in the blanks so it can make sense of things. And with situations this complicated, the logic to make sense of them is often as convoluted. What we need is real education so people know that some people can do really good things and really bad things. And much like magic, it involves manipulation. We’ve learned to not scream in horror when a magician cuts a woman in half. We know it’s not real. We have come to recognize that what our senses are telling us are in conflict with what we know to be true. Sexual abuse is a similar manipulation. It’s just not entertaining.
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse victim situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
