When a parent finds out that their child has been molested, aside from wishing it didn’t happen, the main thing people want is justice. There should be some sort of universal balancing, usually through the legal system, that leaves you with a sense that the offender has paid for his/her crime. This is the promise of the legal system when you walk through doors of a police station or district attorney’s office. They are going to get the bad guy and make them pay for their crimes. Great, sign me up!
Reality Test
Reality is a lot less cut and dry. The justice system is a well orchestrated dance that we as victims simply provide the basis for it’s continue momentum. In one respect it is there to protect us, and in another it is there to protect the process. The promises of the justice system represent the best intentions of the system, but not necessarily the reality that it will bring into your life. So go into the halls of justice with your eyes open.
If you get the justice you are looking for – congratulations! Chances are it will fall a little short of your expectations. The one thing that isn’t optional is supporting your child to grow past their abuse, and not let it define their life. There’s a saying that living well is the best revenge. So let a good life for your child be your focus in dealing with their abuse because justice is optional.
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
There is this cultural icon of the neighborhood bully that we see in movies. He’s usually bigger, poorer, not as smart, etc. and uses what power he has to feel better about himself. The bullying of movies is predictable and there is usually a pivotal confrontation event that resolves things and everyone live happily ever after. Suicide was never part of the story lines in the bullying stories we are used to. Unfortunately things have changed.
Today’s bullying is multi-dimensional. Its usually not one person, it’s packs. They are smart, well educated, and leverage technology to build campaigns against their target. And it doesn’t get resolved in some key moment where David defeats Goliath. It can go on week after week and sometimes into years. This can be overwhelming to a victim.
Double Impact
Sexual abuse victims are often victims of bullying as well. Often times it is the community trying to protect their own sense of trust in the offender. It’s so much easier to make the problem go away and go back to the way things were. It preserves what we believe to be true, even if it happens to be wrong. Other times it is a response by peers to finding out a child has engaged in sexual activities. Girls are often branded as sluts and boys (in same sex contact) are labeled as gay. There are other labels and scenarios depending on the situation, but the point is that they are suddenly faced to fight off an image that they don’t want and isn’t true.
All the more reason for education. Bullying is a big enough problem from normal adolescent interactions. People need to understand what a sexual assault victim has already endured. Maybe if they did there would be a few less cases of bullying out there.
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
The surgeon general warns that contact with certain religious leaders may result in unwanted sexual abuse.
Even if something like this did exist, it would probably get about the same attention as the warning on cigarettes.
So lets dial back the clock about 50 years to the corporate offices of cigarette maker X. You’ve just gotten the first research reports back that says your product is addictive, dangerous to children in the form of second hand smoke, and causes cancer. So naturally you stop making your product, make a public apology and arrange for medical treatment and compensation for those affected. Well we all know the scenario played out differently.
Details when the Vatican was first aware of the problem in their midst are a little less clear. But the pattern of response is similar – ignore the problem, try to cover it up, use the legal system to silence victims, and wait until you are sued to begin responding.
If Only…
Hindsight is always twenty twenty. So is the response appropriate to the time? If we take a lesson from Star Trek, “The good of the many outweighs the good of the few” . I’m sure this was the logic that led to the responses of both organizations. It’s a comforting axiom which often covers for bad decision making. Like most decision making, it gets better through education. Today kids no longer have unrestricted access to cigarettes based on a more educated public. The religious community is starting to take steps to undo years of un-enlightened decision making. Perhaps in a few years our children will be safer from the danger of abuse as well.
So far there are 4 lawsuits against Atlanta area Pastor Eddie Long for sexual abuse. It’s going to be interesting to see which way this goes. If you aren’t familiar with the New Birth Church it’s not your hometown small church. This is a mega church with it’s own magazine, podcast, trips, etc. Eddie Long has written 10 books and according to his web site is happily married. He also fits the profile of many sex offenders. Powerful man, well educated, well respected and married. One major difference? Child predators in the US also tend to be white. Clearly sexual abuse crosses all race and gender lines, but it’s rare that you see a case this prominent in the African American community.
So what’s likely to happen next? If the allegations are true, I think you will see the list grow. The average pedophile has 70+ victims when they are first caught. As victims come forward, others often feel empowered to come forward as well. And if this is an unfounded witch hunt it will be interesting to see how things are spun going forward. I’m predicting more people coming forward.
Fast Forward
The lawsuits were eventually settled out of court for an undisclosed sum. Eddie Long continued to preech for several more years before dying from cancer in 2017.
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
The latest papal apology by the Pope fell more than a little short by most estimates. Groups dealing with clergy abuse have almost unanimously expressed their disappointment with the latest papal remarks. It is a start, but not what people are looking for. So what is it that people need?
Clergy sexual abuse is unique in one key aspect. Most child sexual abuse ultimately destroys a trusted relationship. Clergy abuse falls into this category as well, but there are actually two relationships that are damaged. The first is the relationship with the abuser, and second is the relationship with the church.
Validation
Apologies are nice, but even good apologies in this case really don’t solve the problem. Most clergy victims aren’t really looking for papal apology. They are looking for validation of what happened to them, assurances that this will never happen again, and they would like to repair the relationships that can be repaired.
This is where the Catholic Church has dropped the ball. The strategy in the past has been one of containment. It has cost them the trust of their members, and millions in legal fees. What they need is transparency, because this is the basis of reestablishing trust. And here is the hope for clergy abuse victims. The trust with their abuser may have been destroyed, but the church can build a safe environment where past victims can trust again. This is more than apology. It’s what victims are looking for.
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
Having your child be sexually abused definitely throws a wrench in your life. You will have a loss of energy. Your relationships will be impacted. And social situations are likely to become challenging. When you find yourself feeling that way, here’s a quote and video to put things in perspective.
When life gives you a wheelchair, go find a skate park.
Aaron Fotheringham – the first person confined to a wheelchair to complete a double backflip
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
