Parenting
Most parents have thought about what they would do with 5 minutes in a room alone with their child’s abuser. I know I have played that scenario more than a few times. Thankfully for all concerned most people don’t act on it. Occasionally someone makes the news for taking care of the problem themselves. Ultimately they generally don’t feel better – assuming they don’t get arrested in the process. People generally feel cheated that they don’t get the opportunity, but it is really for the best. (If it’s any consolation, sex offenders suffer more than their share of accidents. Being transferred between facilities and in transit to and from court can result in a variety of injuries. Prison is it’s own set of hazards.)
I occasionally speak to groups of parents who had recently experienced disclosure. The first question they often ask is, “how did you keep from killing him?”. It’s probably the one thing people want to know most when their child is sexually abused. You want to do something and you want to have some control over the situation that makes you feel better. But for the most part you can’t.
If you are thinking through that 5 minute scenario, it’s important to take it to 10 minutes and beyond. This is the point in the fantasy involving the police. It probably also involves a dead sex offender. Rest assured they will be at your house within a few minutes. You may as well just call the police yourself and save them a trip to your house. This next few minutes of the scenario that holds most of us back. It does require some rational thinking. Unfortunately not all of us get to that point of clarity when the urge to fix the problem strikes.
Don’t Do It
Randall Margraves was hailed as a hero after asking the judge in the Larry Nassar case for his 5 minutes. He admitted afterwards that he wasn’t prepared for what was in his daughters’ victim impact statements. In a less publicized and policed courtroom, I think he would have gotten in a few good shots. Then he would have been handcuffed and removed from the courtroom. On the one hand I give him credit for doing it, while still knowing it’s not the right thing to do.
I also know that even if he succeeded, it wouldn’t ease his pain. He is lucky he wasn’t arrested. I hope the media leaves him and his family alone to heal rather than trying to parade him out as a hero. I would guarantee that he doesn’t feel that way. He’s thinking about the damage done and that he wasn’t there to protect his children when the sexual abuse happened. It’s a horrible feeling. The one thing you can do is to be there to help them deal with the experience. You can’t change the past, but you can help create your child’s future.
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
Sexual Abuse
Sexual assault is such a charged topic that lawmakers are generally quick to say they are tough on sex offenders. States will compare themselves in terms of how tough they are on sex abuse. This tends to lead to catchall sex offender laws. All offenses are categorized and all offenders fit into one of the categories. Sounds pretty simple. Unfortunately there are cases that might meet the legal definitions but probably are the exception.
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Parenting, Sexual Abuse
On Saturday mornings I tend to browse Hulu.com for movies that look interesting that I might have missed in the theater. This morning something with Gene Hackman and Morgan Freeman jumped out at me. I think I was pulled in by the mystery element and it’s tropical setting. If it had said sex offender stalks children in Puerto Rico, I probably would have passed. but anyway I got sucked into this who dun-it.
A Different Perspective
This remake of a French film follows a night of interrogation of a prominent lawyer accused of raping and murdering two young girls. Anyone who has had their child molested will be a little uncomfortable watching this movie. There are lots of twists and turns and the question of who is guilty and who is innocent isn’t addressed until the very end. And even then the lines are blurry. I hate to leave you with a cliff hanger, but I don’t want to spoil the movie for you.
It’s worth an hour and fifty one minutes of your life. If for no other reason than to remind us that what we see in front of us is not always the truth. A lot of parents spend too much time beating themselves up over what they didn’t see. All your instincts and senses can tell you one thing, and you can still be wrong. It just means we are only human. Sometimes we just need a reminder.
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
Sexual Abuse
There is this cultural icon of the neighborhood bully that we see in movies. He’s usually bigger, poorer, not as smart, etc. and uses what power he has to feel better about himself. The bullying of movies is predictable and there is usually a pivotal confrontation event that resolves things and everyone live happily ever after. Suicide was never part of the story lines in the bullying stories we are used to. Unfortunately things have changed.
Today’s bullying is multi-dimensional. Its usually not one person, it’s packs. They are smart, well educated, and leverage technology to build campaigns against their target. And it doesn’t get resolved in some key moment where David defeats Goliath. It can go on week after week and sometimes into years. This can be overwhelming to a victim.
Double Impact
Sexual abuse victims are often victims of bullying as well. Often times it is the community trying to protect their own sense of trust in the offender. It’s so much easier to make the problem go away and go back to the way things were. It preserves what we believe to be true, even if it happens to be wrong. Other times it is a response by peers to finding out a child has engaged in sexual activities. Girls are often branded as sluts and boys (in same sex contact) are labeled as gay. There are other labels and scenarios depending on the situation, but the point is that they are suddenly faced to fight off an image that they don’t want and isn’t true.
All the more reason for education. Bullying is a big enough problem from normal adolescent interactions. People need to understand what a sexual assault victim has already endured. Maybe if they did there would be a few less cases of bullying out there.
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
Sexual Abuse
Can you imagine seeing the following:
The surgeon general warns that contact with certain religious leaders may result in unwanted sexual abuse.
Even if something like this did exist, it would probably get about the same attention as the warning on cigarettes.
So lets dial back the clock about 50 years to the corporate offices of cigarette maker X. You’ve just gotten the first research reports back that says your product is addictive, dangerous to children in the form of second hand smoke, and causes cancer. So naturally you stop making your product, make a public apology and arrange for medical treatment and compensation for those affected. Well we all know the scenario played out differently.
Details when the Vatican was first aware of the problem in their midst are a little less clear. But the pattern of response is similar – ignore the problem, try to cover it up, use the legal system to silence victims, and wait until you are sued to begin responding.
If Only…
Hindsight is always twenty twenty. So is the response appropriate to the time? If we take a lesson from Star Trek, “The good of the many outweighs the good of the few” . I’m sure this was the logic that led to the responses of both organizations. It’s a comforting axiom which often covers for bad decision making. Like most decision making, it gets better through education. Today kids no longer have unrestricted access to cigarettes based on a more educated public. The religious community is starting to take steps to undo years of un-enlightened decision making. Perhaps in a few years our children will be safer from the danger of abuse as well.
