Sexual Abuse
If you are a clinician there is an actual answer to this. But if you are a parent, or a victim, the better question is “does why matter in sexual abuse to you?”. Before I go down this path lets look at a somewhat related example. Recently, Army Staff Sgt. Robert Bales was charged with 17 counts of murder for killing civilians in Afghanistan. Evidence is pretty clear, but at the same time Sgt. Bales has no memory of the event. The average person hears the last part and generally thinks that’s a convenient excuse. While it may or may not be the case in your circumstances, sexual assault victims often don’t remember significant aspects of the abuse experience. Additionally, victims will often do things they have no memory of when triggered by some event.
I once dated a girl who tried to get out of the car at 60 mph. I later learned that I had driven by a place where she had been raped several years before. When I told her what she did, I basically got, “I did what?”. Aside from the simple fact of it happening, it was also strange in how it happened. She undid her seat belt and opened the door as casually as if we were parked. I’m sure that me grabbing her and pulling her back in the car was as much of a shock to her as it was to me. At that moment she wasn’t riding in my car, she was somewhere else.
So where was Sgt. Bales when he killed all those people? Was he a trophy hunter out for a little payback? Or was he reliving an incident that happened months ago? Forty years ago, there were more than a few Vietnam Veterans who returned from the war and woke up one morning with their spouse shot or stabbed to death lying next to them. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is the common label these days, but it has had various names over the years.
There’s still a lot of legal debate as to whether it is an excuse or a reason. As we learn more, we are likely to have a better understanding of what is actually going on in the brain. But try explaining this to an Afghani who’s children were murdered. Diminished capacity caused by PTSD is not an explanation that is likely to play well in that part of the world.
Sexual Abuse Responsibility
So what is an appropriate legal, or moral, response when someone does something unimaginable when their sense of circumstances or reality is altered based on PTSD? I don’t have the answer to this. It creates some legal challenges. As soon as you acquit someone for doing something like this, it quickly becomes the defense of the month for everyone out there trying to get away with crimes. Conversely, if you punish someone for unconscious actions, who are you benefiting? Occasionally you will hear stories of people getting pulled over and arrested for driving naked. They are asleep! Should people be responsible for things they do when they are asleep?
This particular case could get interesting since there are some military regulations that limit personal responsibility if someone has been on duty more than 16 hours. I don’t know if that applies here. I only ever encountered that once while in the military. On the first day of the gulf war I was actually on duty longer than 16 hours and was told that I had to go home. The more you know, the more complicated the issue gets.
Complexity
As complex as the conditions are for PTSD, the conditions as to why someone sexually abuses a child are even more complex. In cases where the abuser is a teacher, priest, or someone else outside the family it’s easy to find blame and to see that person as a predator. In cases of adult child incest, the blame is still there but we tend not to see the predatory aspect of the abuse. It was opportunistic more than planned. The latter of these two examples is actually the more common. Statistically in terms of number of abuse cases, incidents involves siblings, cousins and close friends are actually in the middle of these two groups. This is where things get really muddy.
Lets say that your 7 year old son is being molested by his 11 year old cousin. In most states, juvenile sexual offenses are evaluated on several criteria. These include past incidents, history of abuse, age difference, and degree of planning. I’m greatly oversimplifying but I’m not a clinician, and I’m just trying to make a point. In this example, 4 years difference is often the cutoff when courts look at inappropriate sexual contact as more of a behavioral problem and less of a criminal act. Over the course of the investigation you learn that your nephew is being regularly beaten by your brother-in-law. This is often the most common cause of juvenile’s abusing other’s sexually.
Sexual Abuse is about Power
It has nothing to do with sexual preference or interest in children for sex. It is about reclaiming power by exerting it over someone else. In your case, the older boy isn’t trying to manipulate the people around him to spend time with children, but every time he is beaten, he takes it out sexually on someone younger. This is one of many forms of sexually reactive behaviors. Victims of both sexual and physical abuse are frequently known to simulate sex acts or engage in sexual acts that are non-age appropriate, or out of context with what should be their knowledge of sexual activities at their age. In many cases the victim in one set of circumstances becomes the offender in another.
Regardless of your circumstances, it is probably as complex as any scenario I could outline here. In almost all circumstances involving adults, my personal feeling is that “why” is not important. The difference between us as adults, and lower forms of animals is apposable thumbs and the ability to control our sexual impulses. Adults should be held responsible for their actions.
The line is less black and white when it comes to children as the offender. If this applies to your situation, you may or may not come to see more than one victim. Children are rarely predatory, most times they are just acting out a response to their own abuse. I don’t know if that fact is likely to make you feel any better about the event. It may make you see that it is part of a more complex series of events. You may even be able to believe that your offender is sorry.
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse victim situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
Sexual Abuse
Towards Healing and Renewal is the title of a conference on child sexual abuse which is being organized by Gregorian University in Rome with the support of the Vatican. The conference is in Rome Feb 6-9 and includes representatives from a large number of Catholic organizations and Vatican offices. I’m not sure exactly what it says that the Pope will not be in attendance. But it does seem to be typical of the distance the Pope tends to approach the subject with. As such, my expectations are low. Still, this is golden opportunity. Having spent a little bit of time on the edge of the political landscape I can understand why the Pope might watch this from a safe distance.
If this is the first you have heard of this conference that has representatives of over 100 Bishops, I’m sure it’s not a coincidence. The Catholic Church has made so many missteps in dealing with child sexual abuse, as well as being the source of more than their fair share, that they can’t afford another black eye. If the conference come up with a bold direction that can reposition the church as a defender of children, the Pope has a ready entrance to step in and solidify the message. If it falls short, the Pope continues to support efforts to ensure the safety of children and recognizes there is still more work to be done. Leaving the Pope out of the equation also allows the conference to go forward without making the front page of CNN.
Making it all ok
Welcome to the safe road in dealing the sexual abuse. Everyone’s political ass is covered. Sadly this is not part of the recipe for real change. Here’s what I’d like to see happen. Two days of stalemate discussions trying to figure out the best way to limit legal exposure with all the abuse cases. Enter the Pope on day 3. The Pope announces that no-one leaves until they have a comprehensive plan for dealing with abusive priests, protecting children, and supporting victims. On the fourth day, the Pope announces the plan to the world. It’s not perfect, but it sets a new standard within the church and restores the faith of many Catholics who feel betrayed by their church. Or at least that’s how it would play out in the movie version. I guess we’ll have to see what happens in the real world next week.
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse victim situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
Parenting, Sexual Abuse
A few months ago the phrase “Jerry’s Kids” brought to mind a charitable organization that has helped children for years. Now it’s more aptly associated with Jerry Sandusky and the Penn State sexual assault victims. There are some interesting parallels. Both center around non profit agencies for children. The question of motivation is where things get muddy. Both organizations clearly value and try to further the interests of children. It’s still mind boggling when organizations with an unquestionable purpose actually turn out to have a dark side.
I use the term mind boggling figuratively. But there is a very real component of this conflict of reality that most people’s brains can’t comprehend both conditions existing. The brain tends to be binary in it’s early stages of learning. There are good people and bad people. The possibility of both existing within the same person is a concept that the brain would rather ignore than accept because it violates the rules.
Brain Damage
If you are a Star Trek fan you will remember an episode where an entity takes over the computer. The crew is able to destroy the evil entity by giving the computer an impossible problem to solve. It basically crashes (Sorry for the spoiler if you are just rediscovering the Star Trek series). People’s brains do the same thing. They want to crash and reboot when they encounter something that shouldn’t be possible. If you have ever lost work when your computer crashes, memories can equally be lost when our brains try to convince us that what we experience is not real and should therefore be ignored. This is one of the reasons why so many people come forward years later. Pieces of new information allow them to recognize events as real.
In our daily lives we are surrounded by organizations that are setup to serve children. The assumption is that their purposes are purely motivated and they are run by good people. It’s a reasonable assumption that is generally true until it isn’t. What’s even more confusing is that the children who are often getting the most positive attention, are also the ones who are being abused. We all need to get our brains to recognize that the lines between good and bad frequently blur. The sooner we can identify this incongruency in the organizations that serve children, the sooner we can begin to deal with the evil entities that sometimes take up home in them.
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse victim situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
Parenting
boundaries are strange things. We generally don’t give it them a second thought. Sexual abuse brings them to the forefront though. Victims tend to see the world as a series of boundaries. Be conscious of how your child looks at boundaries.
It may just be his or her room. Does the door need to be open or closed? Do they create barriers that make it difficult to get in and out their rooms? These are all considerations when you look at the boundaries in your life.
What about sports or games? Are they open ended and broad, or are they contained and do they have specific elements of boundaries in them? Now this is true of most sports, but there seems to be an attraction to sports where the boundaries are a prominent aspect of the game. Some examples are volleyball, tennis, and golf. Hockey, baseball, and basketball still have a defined playing area, but going out of bounds is not a penalty.
Finding Comfort
Spacial relationships about where you live are often a similar consideration. Is the area wide open, or enclosed? Look at the situations where your child may be uncomfortable and see if any of these aspects come into play. Everyone has their own preferences in life and some of them come as the result of circumstances such as this. Try to look at where boundary issues impact your child’s life. Once you know what makes them comfortable in the world, you can try to make changes accordingly.
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse victim situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
Sexual Abuse
A definitive report of over 150 pages by the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops basically indicates that sexual abuse by priests is a problem from decades past, and was really a symptom of societal dissent from the Vietnam era. Also, any associations of priests to pedophiles is largely a misnomer. That’s the reader’s digest version.
Self Policing
Having done research studies in the past, this one is almost comical. It sites studies from the 1930s and 1940s and then casually states that contemporary studies have found similar results. Can you think of any area of contemporary study that would use information from over half a century ago as a primary reference? The study spends most of it’s efforts showing that sexual abuse in other areas of society is higher, or at least on par with that of the Catholic Church.
We spend a lot of time and energy convincing ourselves and others that we are safe from ourselves. The fact that it is not true doesn’t seem to stop people from trying to make it that way. Saying it doesn’t make it so. Fixing the problem will.
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
