Sexual Abuse
April is National Sexual Abuse Prevention Month. Perhaps you didn’t get the memo. I hadn’t heard of it prior to about 8 years ago. I thought I hadn’t been paying attention, but sadly it is 1/12 of the year that goes by largely unnoticed. Breast cancer and Autism get 100 times more pr than sexual abuse. Once you have been around it a while, you learn why.
Sexual abuse scares people probably more than anything else. It’s something we don’t talk about, and people who have never experienced it try to convince themselves that it is something that happens to other people. There is a whole psychology of how people re-frame sexual abuse to shield themselves from the possibility that it could happen to them. It ends up being a viscous cycle. Every parent of an abused child probably thought it couldn’t happen to them. Your first step in making your kids safer is simply acknowledging that sexual abuse can affect anyone. If you aren’t up to speed on the numbers – 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 5 boys will experience some form of sexual abuse by the time they are 18. If you were worried about a car accidents, meningitis, or autism they are actually lower on likely list. If you want your kids to be safer, the first step is to accept that it is something that can happen to your children.
The Myths
The second step is getting beyond the main myth of sexual abuse. And that is that it’s something that is done by strangers. We have been drilled with this concept since before we can spell. Don’t talk to strangers. Don’t take candy from a stranger. But the reality is that 0ver 95% of all sexual abuse is committed by someone we know and trust. In the case of sexual abuse of children under the age of 10, there is almost always a 3 way trust relationship. The abuser is a person the parents trust, and that the child trusts. There is also the dual aspect of this that since parents trust the person, the child should trust them as well. When things start to become abusive this inner conflict drives children not to disclose the abuse because they know it is someone their parents trust.
And the third thing you can do towards making kids safe is to talk to them about sexual abuse, preferably before you have the “sex talk” with them. Age 9 is the average age of an abused child. Talking to your child about good touch and bad touch as early as pre-school is a good idea. It’s also important to discuss it with them every couple of years because it is something that needs to be reenforced over time. Encourage your children to tell you when things are bothering them. And let them know that any touching that someone (anyone) does that bothers them that they can tell you about it.
Fears with Making Kids Safe
If you are worried about screwing this up, you probably will. We’re parents – it’s what we do. We do the best we can with what we have. This is scary stuff, but isn’t that part of being a parent? We try to learn from others, educate ourselves the best we can, and try to beat the odds. If you have learned something new here, you have one more piece of information that you can leverage to keep your kids safe. Spread the word!
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
Sexual Abuse
The Catholic church needs to get clearer on who it serves. The latest story out of the Philadelphia area has 21 priests suspended and as many as 37 additional with credible sexual abuse allegations remaining in active ministry positions. There are too many mixed messages coming from the Catholic Church. They come out and condemn abuse by priests, but at the same time seem to spend an equal if not larger amount of energy protecting the church entity. Does the church serve itself, or is the church in service to millions who believe in the Catholic Church? The reality is often both, and this is where the problem lies.
Protect the Catholic Church
I’m not an expert in Papal Law but from what I have read, much of it is geared toward protecting the institution of the church. This is changing so they do get points for that, but it seem to get used at the convenience of church, and often to the disadvantage of it’s most vulnerable members. The church needs to adopt a zero tolerance for abuse policy. Immediate removal from service during any period of investigation, and permanent removal from the church for any convictions. I’m sure I’m missing the finer points, and conditions for circumstances, etc. but you get the point. They need to be specific so everyone knows what their position is. There is way to much ambiguity betweens words and actions in the Catholic Church. This just leaves the public wondering who their church serves, and eventually leads to a church which serves no one.
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
Parenting, Sexual Abuse
On Saturday mornings I tend to browse Hulu.com for movies that look interesting that I might have missed in the theater. This morning something with Gene Hackman and Morgan Freeman jumped out at me. I think I was pulled in by the mystery element and it’s tropical setting. If it had said sex offender stalks children in Puerto Rico, I probably would have passed. but anyway I got sucked into this who dun-it.
A Different Perspective
This remake of a French film follows a night of interrogation of a prominent lawyer accused of raping and murdering two young girls. Anyone who has had their child molested will be a little uncomfortable watching this movie. There are lots of twists and turns and the question of who is guilty and who is innocent isn’t addressed until the very end. And even then the lines are blurry. I hate to leave you with a cliff hanger, but I don’t want to spoil the movie for you.
It’s worth an hour and fifty one minutes of your life. If for no other reason than to remind us that what we see in front of us is not always the truth. A lot of parents spend too much time beating themselves up over what they didn’t see. All your instincts and senses can tell you one thing, and you can still be wrong. It just means we are only human. Sometimes we just need a reminder.
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
Sexual Abuse
Can you imagine seeing the following:
The surgeon general warns that contact with certain religious leaders may result in unwanted sexual abuse.
Even if something like this did exist, it would probably get about the same attention as the warning on cigarettes.
So lets dial back the clock about 50 years to the corporate offices of cigarette maker X. You’ve just gotten the first research reports back that says your product is addictive, dangerous to children in the form of second hand smoke, and causes cancer. So naturally you stop making your product, make a public apology and arrange for medical treatment and compensation for those affected. Well we all know the scenario played out differently.
Details when the Vatican was first aware of the problem in their midst are a little less clear. But the pattern of response is similar – ignore the problem, try to cover it up, use the legal system to silence victims, and wait until you are sued to begin responding.
If Only…
Hindsight is always twenty twenty. So is the response appropriate to the time? If we take a lesson from Star Trek, “The good of the many outweighs the good of the few” . I’m sure this was the logic that led to the responses of both organizations. It’s a comforting axiom which often covers for bad decision making. Like most decision making, it gets better through education. Today kids no longer have unrestricted access to cigarettes based on a more educated public. The religious community is starting to take steps to undo years of un-enlightened decision making. Perhaps in a few years our children will be safer from the danger of abuse as well.
Sexual Abuse
So far there are 4 lawsuits against Atlanta area Pastor Eddie Long for sexual abuse. It’s going to be interesting to see which way this goes. If you aren’t familiar with the New Birth Church it’s not your hometown small church. This is a mega church with it’s own magazine, podcast, trips, etc. Eddie Long has written 10 books and according to his web site is happily married. He also fits the profile of many sex offenders. Powerful man, well educated, well respected and married. One major difference? Child predators in the US also tend to be white. Clearly sexual abuse crosses all race and gender lines, but it’s rare that you see a case this prominent in the African American community.
So what’s likely to happen next? If the allegations are true, I think you will see the list grow. The average pedophile has 70+ victims when they are first caught. As victims come forward, others often feel empowered to come forward as well. And if this is an unfounded witch hunt it will be interesting to see how things are spun going forward. I’m predicting more people coming forward.
Fast Forward
The lawsuits were eventually settled out of court for an undisclosed sum. Eddie Long continued to preech for several more years before dying from cancer in 2017.
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
