Sexual Abuse
The latest papal apology by the Pope fell more than a little short by most estimates. Groups dealing with clergy abuse have almost unanimously expressed their disappointment with the latest papal remarks. It is a start, but not what people are looking for. So what is it that people need?
Clergy sexual abuse is unique in one key aspect. Most child sexual abuse ultimately destroys a trusted relationship. Clergy abuse falls into this category as well, but there are actually two relationships that are damaged. The first is the relationship with the abuser, and second is the relationship with the church.
Validation
Apologies are nice, but even good apologies in this case really don’t solve the problem. Most clergy victims aren’t really looking for papal apology. They are looking for validation of what happened to them, assurances that this will never happen again, and they would like to repair the relationships that can be repaired.
This is where the Catholic Church has dropped the ball. The strategy in the past has been one of containment. It has cost them the trust of their members, and millions in legal fees. What they need is transparency, because this is the basis of reestablishing trust. And here is the hope for clergy abuse victims. The trust with their abuser may have been destroyed, but the church can build a safe environment where past victims can trust again. This is more than apology. It’s what victims are looking for.
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
Sexual Abuse
Sometime after you get a grasp on life after your child discloses their sexual abuse, you should start looking for a therapist. Don’t go over board. You will get lots of recommendations. We listened to what we were told and did everything. Therapy for our daughter, individual therapy for each of us, couples therapy and family therapy. We actually got to a point where our therapy sessions were conflicting with one another. They also conflicted on other levels. Different people will tell you different things. You can have too much of a good thing. There have also been studies that have shown that therapy can be harmful in many cases as well. Dredging up repressed memories can often do more harm than good. You situation will vary so it’s important to educate yourself and have input into the treatment options for your family.
Things to pay attention to
All psychologists and therapists are not created equally. Try to find someone who specializes in children’s sexual abuse issues. Even just finding a child therapist may not do the trick. Some will immediately want to jump to ADD /ADHD medication options. Do some research before you go down this path. In many cases it just masks symptoms.
Check out the facilities where therapy will take place. Many therapist who specialize in child sexual abuse will have areas of their office setup specific ways. Some children want to be able to keep their back to a wall, others may want to surround themselves with stuffed animals, And some may want to look out the window at flowers. There are lots of variations in preference that may be difference depending on the nature of the abuse.
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
Sexual Abuse
As long as there have been differences in power between people, there has been sexual abuse. This manifests itself in different ways in different cultures but the end result is the same. The way we stop it is to give people power, by giving them information. Sexual abuse is something that exists in an environment of ignorance. The more people know about what sexual abuse is, and what it isn’t, the more likely it will be decreased for future generations.
So what are some ways we can change differences in power?
Educate Women
– it’s not as obvious a problem in the developed world but it still an issue. Educating woman around the world reduces sexual abuse, poverty, and over population. Here in the U.S. encouraging girls to play competitive sports, take science and math, and go to college all help change the balance of power.
Teach kids to say NO
– while this sounds counter intuitive to everything a parent wants to hear, learning to say no is important to protecting children and it is a good skill for time management later in life. Being able to say NO to people, for a variety of reasons, gives you more control over your life. Being able to say no to adults may protect your child from being sexually abused.
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
Sexual Abuse
One of the things that is attributed to abuse within the catholic church is an unhealthy sexual attitude. This is a complicated argument. On the one side abuse is largely about power, it is also an acting out of fantasies. Most of the roles within the catholic church are amongst other things, based on a system of repressed sexual desires. With repression come fantasization, and all too often it manifests itself as abuse.
Repression
The other side of the coin is the recurring sexual attitude in many Christian teachings that sex is bad, dirty, etc. A lot of this goes back to some of the early traditions of repressing pagan traditions which embraced sexuality. Condemning sex was also a way of controlling the role of women within the early church. Sex became something that was not spoken in the positive sense.
Put these two together and you end up with a system which facilitates abuse, that is then not spoken of. This allows it to continue as a vicious cycle. Removing celibacy as part of the priest/nun tradition would help promote healthier attitudes about sex. But abuse is ultimately about power, so it might help certain aspects, but it wouldn’t fix the overall problem. Better attitudes about sex, and open discussion about sex, and specifically open discussion about sexual abuse is what we need.
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
Sexual Abuse
Monty Hall made a career out of letting people have do overs. If you don’t like the experience the universe has dealt you, you can trade it for what’s behind door number 2. Sometimes it’s a new car, sometimes it’s a herd of goats. It’s designed for entertainment and there isn’t much life altering in the decision either way.
The advantages of cancer
So here’s a hypothetical for you. What if you could trade your abuse? Let’s say you could undo your child’s sexual abuse but you traded it for cancer. There are several advantages to cancer:
- In most cases you can treat it with surgery, medicine or radiation.
- Pink ribbons
- Road races
- Lots of treatment facilities
- Everyone knows someone who has had it
- Lots of people to talk to
- There are social rules that everyone understands
This last one is probably the most important difference. Here are some of the social rules:
- People pray for you in church
- Friends come to visit you while you are in treatment
- Friends bring your family food
- People will talk to you about cancer
- Some people send you cards
- People will give you ideas about how to deal with cancer
- Most people know what to expect and how to react
- Friends will cry with you
Now there’s clearly a downside to cancer, but we’re not going to talk about that. Being intimately familiar with both, I wouldn’t wish either on anyone, but these are the challenges that enter our lives. It does make you wonder though. Wouldn’t it be nice if abuse victims and their families got the same support as people with cancer? Would you trade your abuse for cancer? You probably know the answer.
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
