coaching
A couple weeks ago I was watching a special on Dr. Martin Luther King and several of the people who were there for that memorable speech were talking about. Apparently it was supposed to go quite a bit differently. The person who wrote the speech said he was listening and thinking that’s not what I wrote for him. At that point he went off script and started talking about a little girl who wasn’t able to play with her friend. And made history in the process.
In speech and acting classes, this is one of the speeches students are asked to deliver to really feel something powerful. Others include John Kennedy’s moon speech. So you are probably wondering where I’m going with this.
When your child is sexually abused, your world is likely to become a lot more negative in appearance. It probably isn’t in reality, but your range of emotions will probably span from numb to pissed off. Happy becomes a challenge, and joy may not even seem realistic. And you may just not think you feel anything.
I ended up coming up with my own imagined I have a dream moment. It’s about 30 seconds long, I tend to do it in the car, and the only people who have witnessed it are a few confused drivers. I’ve probably done it several hundred times and still can’t get through it to the end. If you do it right, you probably won’t be able to either.
Your I Have a Dream Moment
Here’s the recipe I follow. I want to you imagine some event 10-20 years in the future. It needs to be significant, relevant, and involving your child. Here’s a couple examples to get you started:
…but the big secret we’re about to find out is who will be lighting the Olympic flame…
…and now being awarded the bronze star by the President…
Come up with one that works for you. Try reciting it to a particular song, and see what happens. You may have to try a couple variations before you get it right. You may rediscover some feelings that seem missing from your life. And it may actually help you discover a dream for your child that is still possible, even after what has happened.
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
Parenting
It’s great to see that people are talking about sexual abuse with their kids. It is a social problem that exists largely because of a lack of education. I would personally like to see it be a mandatory part of parent orientation at every school that a child attends. I say this because the dynamics of child sexual abuse change a bit between age groups. Also, there are lots of misconceptions about sexual abuse that tend to blindside people when it happens to them.
The Truth about Sexual Abuse
First – and probably most scary, is that children are statistically safer at a friends house than they are at home or at a relatives. Most child sexual assaults are actually committed by adult family members. And depending on which studies you read – siblings and cousins aren’t far behind. Other adult male authority figures (doctors, teachers, coaches, religious figures) are the ones that get the most attention, but they aren’t the majority.
1 in 3 girls and 1 in 6 boys will experience some form of sexual abuse by the time they are 18. So protection is not always possible, but education always is.
Also – don’t assume that just because someone is in an authority position around children that they aren’t a pedophile. The average offender has over 70 past victims before they get caught the first time. Also, older past offenses don’t always make it to the sex offender registry. The person who molested our daughter had been previously convicted in another state 20 years ago, but because they no longer reside there, they aren’t included on the sex offender registry. That will change after he gets out of prison in a couple years.
For those of you who commented about having feelings of suicide, this is an all too common occurance. There are a couple points that are key to getting past this.
– know that you are not alone
– find someone to help
– certain anti depressants actually help repair the brain damage done by sexual abuse (This is it’s own topic but yes this is where a lot of the problems result)
– know that being sexually abuse doesn’t have to stop you from living an outstanding life (See Oprah)
– dealing with sexual abuse is largely about solving a problem for which society doesn’t have clear rules. Create a path that works for you and think out 5-10 years and write it down. People get caught in a loop where the past intrudes on the present, and there is no future. It’s out there, you just need to create it.
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
Sexual Abuse
Remember where you were on September 11? I had just started a meeting, it was cloudy and a couple people were running late. A few minutes into the meeting almost everyone’s cell phones started going off. You know the rest. It’s one of those moments that gets imprinted permanently in our brain.
Fast forward to a sunny summer Saturday morning a few years later. I can remember looking at buttercups out in the field because they seem to be rather plentiful that day. My wife had just taken our daughter to Saturday morning activities and suddenly showed back up in the driveway at warp speed. The next few minutes were my debriefing of the conversation that just took place in the car. I can assure you that September 11 will be about the closest comparison in trying to process the discovery that your child is being sexually abused.
The new reality
After September 11 a lot of things changed. Air travelers got to experience the joys of the TSA. The Empire State building once again returned to it’s place at the top of the skyline. Flags returned to porches and flag poles, and American’s gathered together. Your own personal 911 will have a fair amount of drama as well, but not as much flag waving. And much like NYC, you can find your strength, rebuild and move forward.
Sexual Abuse
So – you’re living in Delaware and you just saw on the news that your child’s pediatrician has been charged with sexually abusing more than 100 victims. You have no indications that anything has happened to your child. Would you want to know if your child was actually molested?
Facing the Fear
I don’t know if there is a right answer although I tend to lean towards knowing. Symptoms related to sexual abuse can manifest themselves years later. Often children have no memory of the abuse, but can still develop symptoms. Finding out your child has been molested is extremely difficult, but information is power. You can educate yourself about symptoms and know what to look for as your child grows up.
If you happen to be in this situation and a coin toss isn’t working for you, feel free to drop me a note. I’ve been down one of the paths you are considering. At least I can tell you what one way is like.
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
