Sexual Abuse
There’s Too Many Abuse Reports
The number of sexual abuse reports has grown dramatically over the past few years. Most people think that this is a rise in sexual abuse, or that people are lying about sexual abuse because this can’t possibly be true. The reality is that in the past only about 15% of all sexual abuse is reported (ever). For some this is the day it happens, for others it is 30 years after the event. Many times victims wait until the person is dead. Most people have an artificial perception of reality because in the past, sexual abuse was not something that was talked about. The translation for some people is that all these new reports must be lies. It’s also a protective belief because we want to believe that we live in a safe world.
The reality is that victims are seeing other victims come forward and talk about their story. There is strengths in numbers and so more people come forward to share their abuse. It’s not that the amount of abuse has changed, but people are finally finding they can talk about it. Parents still tell their kids to not talk to strangers, but when it comes to sexual abuse, it’s usually people they know all too well.
The reality of Lying about Sexual Abuse
Lying about sexual abuse is actually relatively rare, but more likely to happen with teenagers than other age groups. It can actually go both ways. They may lie that it did happen, and they may lie that it didn’t.
In cases where they lie about something not happening, they are usually trying to preserve a relationship. Incest in particular doesn’t just hurt one person, it destroys families. Or maybe a student is having a relationship with a teacher and he/she doesn’t want them to get into trouble. If the abuse is happening in a competitive situation, they may be worried about their career based on who the abuser is, or how it would perceived. And in a lot of cases, the victim has been led to believe that they would be blamed or not believed.
In cases where they lie about something happening when it didn’t, this is usually about getting attention or getting back at someone. It’s also a way to control a situation. “Give me an A or I’ll tell people you …” There may be other psychological things going on in these cases as well. Parents in custody battles will also sometime coach their children to say things that influence the outcome. It’s an effective tactic because regardless of whether it is true or not, it will always be out there and people will wonder and treat the accused differently.
Hiding in Plain Sight
In general people don’t want others to know that they have been sexually abused, unless they know it’s happening to other people or they are worried that is going to happen to someone else. Often it’s a friend or a younger sister that they want to protect.
Statistically, young children don’t lie about sexual abuse. Claims should always be verified by a forensic interviewer, but when a child reports abuse, the assumption should be that they are telling the truth. The estimate is that false claims of sexual abuse overall are between 2 and 10 percent. Unfortunately even these statistics are skewed because they generally include cases where there is insufficient evidence to prosecute a sexual abuse claim. For children under 10, the number is less than 1 percent. The reality overall is that truly false claims are probably less than 3 percent. Unfortunately we will probably have to wait a few decades for a scientific study to find the correct number. Meanwhile the number of reports continues to grow.
#MeToo
MeToo is clearly not about lying. It’s about mutual support for victims to feel comfortable coming forward with their abuse experiences. A family member of ours recently disclosed abuse that happened over 50 years ago. It’s the first time she has ever talked about it. This is true for many women (and men) whether their abuse happened last week or in the last century. People often wonder why people wait decades to discuss their abuse. Here’s some of the typical reasons:
- We didn’t talk about those things in my day
- No one would be believe me because of who it was
- I was scared
- I didn’t want it to be true
- If I don’t talk about it I don’t need to think about it
- I blocked it out until I became an adult and then didn’t know what to do with it
- It would have destroyed my family
- My father would have killed him and gone to jail
- I couldn’t prove it
- Everyone knew we were dating
- I was drunk
- Everyone thought I was a slut anyway
- Boys don’t talk about being raped
- Insert your reason here
Maybe Not
Unfortunately #MeToo also brings in a new dimension in potential false sexual abuse claims. Most people in MeToo are victims that find the courage to come forward because someone else did it first. Certain people will see this as an opportunity to get attention because others who have come forward are getting attention. Again, this is rare, but it happens enough that it can cast dispersion on legitimate cases of abuse.
Claims aside, the reality of sexual abuse is epidemic. Every 98 seconds, an American is sexually assaulted. However, only 6 out of every 1,000 perpetrators will end up in prison. One out of every 10 rape victims are male, meaning the other nine are women. We need to step back from trying to label who is telling the truth and who isn’t and focus on the size of the problem. People who lie about abuse might get their 15 seconds of fame, but in the long run the problem is just to big to be dismissed by the actions of a few people with questionable motives.
Sources:
National Sexual Violence Resource Center http://www.nsvrc.org/sites/default/files/publications_nsvrc_factsheet_media-packet_statistics-about-sexual-violence_0.pdf
The Conversation
http://theconversation.com/heres-the-truth-about-false-accusations-of-sexual-violence-88049
RAINN
https://www.rainn.org/statistics/victims-sexual-violence
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
Sexual Assault
The University of Virginia is the latest college to be in the spotlight over rape on campus. Starting with the brutal rape of Hannah Graham, the media lens was already pointed at UVA. Then the Rolling Stones article about a gang rape came out that even Rolling Stones admitted contained factual errors. Now you have a situation where inaccuracies in an article bring into question the accuracy of the original report. It’s not fair. The University of Virginia is now a culturally divided campus with verbal and physical attacks against the accused and the accuser. So what’s the solution? That really depends on what the problem is.
Colleges are Artificial
Throughout most of human history education has been a community endeavor. It starts with parent to child, may evolve to a centralized community model, and often evolved into an individual mentor/apprenticeship arrangement. There was a continuum and logical path to follow through the community. Then a few hundred years ago the modern college emerged. It makes sense for a lot of reasons – specialization, consistency of information, ability to develop expertise, focus, etc. It also creates some problems in the process. You are creating a large same same age population which operates by it’s own set of rules that are different than the community that all of it’s members come from. Add in the dimensions of personal freedom, free flowing drugs and alcohol, sexual discovery, and normal social rules are going to be subverted.
Fraternities and sororities add their own dimensions to the problem. Whether it is a college, prison, or the military, same sex environments create abhorrent behavior. Just read Lord of the Flies and you will see the negative potential of homogeneous groups. Anyone who has been a member (excluding prison) will also argue the positive aspects – myself included. I have some great memories from college and the military, but I have more than a few stories of the negatives as well. Everything is magnified – the good and the bad. In normal communities, there are rules and checks and balances that level things out. College students sort of make up their own rules, and now the problems are starting to come to light.
30 Years of Problems
The problems have probably always been there but we only really get a glimpse if we are in it ourselves. As the parent of a college student I get to see that things haven’t changed that much in 30 years. Most stories of campus rape will reference the Clery Act which covers crime reporting requirements for colleges. This was the first comprehensive step to address the problem of crime on college campuses. While I’ve covered this in other posts, I went to school with Jeanne Clery and remember when she was murdered. Sadly I remember more about what happened after than about Jeanne herself. The case was atypical for a variety of reasons, but it set the stage for change. Insurance companies have done a lot to curb some of the problems of college environments by including denial of coverage clauses around serving minors and other activities. Unfortunately, the campus often adjusts and eventually works around the new rules.
Fixing the Problem of Rape on Campus
Most schools have some form of a zero tolerance program when it comes to sexual assault on campus. That doesn’t mean they have zero problems, or are going to any time soon. I would suggest if a school has no problems with rape on campus, it isn’t looking very hard. Even if we cut the current problem in half, it would be a huge improvement. So what are some things that will improve the situation?
Mandatory Education on Sexual Abuse – Sexual abuse exists largely because of a lack of education. I believe all students and staff should be required to attend at least an hour annually regarding campus sexual abuse. Everyone should be educated on what the risks are, and what to do if it happens. Students should also know what behaviors are considered offenses and what is considered consent.
Fix the Process
Improve the reporting – investigation – discipline process – Many schools treat sexual assaults as inconvenient black marks that hinder recruiting. There are more than a few cases where schools tried to make the problem go away, or they make it so difficult to follow through on a sexual assault report that many victims simply give up. As an example, the University of Virginia last year had 38 reports of sexual assault. 9 o f these reports were formally investigated and only 4 were followed all the way through. There may be a variety of valid reasons for this, but I’m guessing the process being difficult for victims is a contributing factor. Sexual abuse is already under-reported so making it difficult to report only makes the problem worse. Students should know in advance how the process works and be provided support through the process so they don’t get frustrated and drop it. Colleges should invest in victim case management software to improve the process for everyone. It makes for a better experience for victim, helps prevent Title IX violations, and provides insight into what is happening from report initiation to report closure.
Building a Foundation
Help victims transition their experience from burden to foundation – sexual abuse is like a virus because it can be years from contact until symptoms appear. Also people often suffer for years before getting help. It is a burden that many people suffer silently because of shame, they felt they waited too long to say anything, or other reasons. Schools should help victims reframe their experience. It may still be the worst thing that ever happened in your life, but it can be the foundation or a burden. Part of this is choice, and part of it is being shown the possibility. The worst experiences in the world create extraordinary character. Look at Victor Frankl, Nelson Mandela, Oprah, and others who have endured extreme hardship and abuse. The bad stuff in their life never went away, they just positioned themselves above it rather than under it. It’s not an easy transition, but anyone can learn to do it. Since we go to college to learn, this is probably one of the most important lessons anyone can learn.
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
Sexual Abuse
The media assassination of Bill Cosby continues. Now even as a I use the word assassination, it carries a sense of judgement of whether he deserves what is happening to him. Had I said “bringing to justice” it has a different sense as well. I don’t know what the right words are at this point. We are dealing with a media based spin on innocence and guilt. It becomes very difficult to sort out truth from the noise.
Sins of the Past
We continue to be an evolving culture. Concepts of right and wrong are relative to a culture and a time in history. Most of us have heard the term “rule of thumb”. Do you know where it comes from? It refers to the maximum width of a stick (the size of your thumb) that a man should use to beat his wife or children. For those of us over 40, most people have experienced the power of a stick or belt on their backside.
If you were left handed in a catholic school prior to 1970, you may have had a nun break your fingers to force you to use the “proper” hand. Today most of our 1950-70 teachers and parents would be hauled into court and possibly arrested. So looking at sexual abuse in the past that might have been dismissed or ignored, is it our responsibility to hold people accountable by today’s standards?
Our Views of Sexual Abuse
Hundreds of years ago “the spoils of war” regularly included rape. It was essentially a right that went to the victor. We can look at it as a crime today, but then it was an expectation. Moving closer to the modern day British nobles reserved the right to have sex with new brides before their husbands. Again we have institutionalized rape . We don’t look at Thomas Jefferson as a rapist. But there’s a lot of evidence that his relationship with one of his slaves probably would fit our current definitions. Again those pieces of history often got skipped in the history books.
Much of the white washing of our sexual landscape has occurred in the past 100 years. During the early 20s movies were starting to show nudity as a normal part of life and sex was being discussed openly. The depression ushered in a wave of conservative moral standards. This sent us back into the dark ages in terms of openness about sex and discussion about sexual abuse. By the 1950s I Love Lucy show couldn’t even say the word pregnant when Lucy was expecting.
In 1958, Disney released a movie called The Light In The Forest about a white boy raised by Indians starring James MacArthur. One of the sub-plots involved a girl who was trying to get away from a sexually abusive uncle. Sort of a strange element for a Disney story but it’s there none the less. I’ve never really decided if this was an element to help restart the discussion of sexual abuse. Maybe it simply reflected the idea at the time that girls just needed to deal with this. If things got too bad, they just needed to get away from the situation.
Welcome to the 60s
The social repression of the 50s was responded to with the sex, drugs and rock and roll of the 1960s. We also started seeing a social awakening of racial issues and later woman’s issues. Enter the comedy of Bill Cosby. He was a trailblazer in many respects. Like many men of power in the 60s, he used it in ways that may not have been appropriate by today’s standards. There are many movies and TV shows of that era with men slapping women. It was viewed as socially acceptable.
There was no condemnation then For the most part we grew up and started treating it for the abuse that it is. So is it fair or reasonable to dig up the events of the past and hold them to the scrutiny of the present? The media in the Bill Cosby case is blurring the timelines to make it appear that this is new news. Most of the events in question happened over 30 years ago. If it wasn’t addressed by the proper authorities then, why should we subject it to our own lens now? Unlike DNA evidence in an old case, as far as I know there is no new information being presented.
Who Wins?
The biggest problem I have with the Bill Cosby sexual abuse case is that I don’t see a legitimate winner on either side. This is about ratings. I saw Bill Cosby last year and he is still pretty sharp. At the same time he’s clearly showing signs of age. If this ever goes to trial, he will be in his 80s and probably not the best person to put on the witness stand about events that took place half a century ago. I’ve watched several of the women’s interviews and there are common elements. Unfortunately, the soundbites are edited and orchestrated for media ratings. The media loves watching the fall of an icon – Pete Rose, Lance Armstrong, Michael Jackson, etc.
Assuming these women are victims, are they likely to get help or closure – or more likely a book deal. And are they likely to get justice? If they couldn’t get it 50 years ago, they probably aren’t going to get it now. Bill Cosby will lose a little money and most likely retire. And we still have to consider that Bill didn’t do what he is accused of. The media is essentially telling us that he is guilty. Are they providing a supportive platform for the women, or are they orchestrating an attach on someone that would provide media ratings for a very long time? Bottom line is that if this wasn’t Bill Cosby, I don’t think this would be happening.
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
Sexual Assault
Bill Cosby and rape are two subjects that most people would not ever combine in the same sentence. Bill Cosby is a legend – the ultimate TV father figure. How can he be a rapist? So far no legal entity has even accused him of rape not to mention finding him guilty. Still more than a dozen women say otherwise, and social media has tried and convicted him. Once someone is labeled as a rapist, it is very hard to wash off that label even when it’s not true.
“She’s a Witch”
In colonial times the label of Witch was a mark from which there was often no escape. The science of discovering a witch was also very interesting. Hold them underwater long enough and if they survive, they are a witch and then you burn them or hang them. If they didn’t survive – well it’s still ok because you can’t be too sure about these things. So what prompted the charges in the first place? Theory has it that some of the behavior said to be caused by the witches was actually caused by moldy grain. Some of this can be ascribed to hysteria and mob mentality, but for some it was probably a tool. Feel your relationship is threatened by someone – just call her a witch and the mob will do the rest for you. Interested in a piece of property that the owner won’t sell – just call them a Witch and there will be a for sale sign in no time. Or perhaps you had sex with someone you weren’t supposed to and people found out. Clearly demonic possession gives you the out and public sympathy you were looking for. The witch label clearly doesn’t have the weight that it used to 300 years ago, but rapist has about the same effect.
The Power of the Label
Over the years I’ve worked with a few people who have been convicted of crimes. One gentleman was convicted of murder, got off on a technicality and got his old job back. He may as well have been on a vacation based on how he was treated when he returned. Another did a few years for securities fraud and was openly welcomed back into the fold. In contrast the guy who was drugging and raping women in the office, he’s almost due for release but I can guarantee he won’t be welcome anywhere near his former office. I think you would find this scenario played out just about anywhere. I never felt uncomfortable around either of the first two after their release. Contestant #3 I would never want to deal with again. I think most people would have the same reaction. The problem is that we tend to have the same reaction regardless of guilt.
The First to Come Forward
The first person to come forward in a sexual assault case has an enormous amount of power and responsibility. With children, it’s rare that someone makes up charges of sexual abuse (with the exception of parental abuse charges during custody disputes). With adults it isn’t always as clear. The problem is that in those rare cases where motives are less than honorable, it clouds all of the legitimate cases out there. As a culture we are still emerging from a mindset that often paints women as temptresses and men their victims. It’s been ingrained into us since our first bible teachings about Adam and Eve. Most people have heard about an instance and heard something to the effect of “well – what does she expect with the way she dresses”. As absurd as that is, a lot of people nod and chock it up to being her fault.
Coming forward takes a huge amount of courage largely because some variation of these social reactions is likely to confront the victim. If you get robbed, no one questions whether you should have been carrying so much money around and assumes it was partially your fault. In sexual assaults there is almost some degree of blame put on the victims for something. As a culture we are starting to wake up and realize that isn’t true, but it’s still an uphill battle for any victim. Being the first to come forward all eyes are going to be on you. If you follow through with police reports and investigations it adds to your credibility and may empower others to stand up as well. In the case of child sexual assault, when someone is arrested the first time, it’s estimated that some have had as many as 75 other victims that didn’t come forward. Adult sexual assault victims are typically not as high, but if you are a victim, you probably aren’t the first.
If your police report is quickly closed and followed by an undisclosed out of court settlement, it brings question of motives. On the other hand, a criminal trial followed by a civil suit generally brings support. Neither view is always correct. Having been through both the criminal and civil legal systems with this, the only winners are the lawyers. I can see why someone might take a settlement rather than spend years fighting to get justice. Much like civil rights 50 years ago, I think it’s important for victims to stand up so that the extent of the problem can be realized. But this is an individual choice for everyone who has been a victim. We can’t judge a victim just based on how they handle the reporting of their abuse. I will say in most cases, the first to come forward is generally followed by several others
What about Bill
So this brings us back to Bill Cosby. He’s a prominent public figure who is beloved by generations of people. He’s also admitted to past marital indiscretions and he has the money to make problems go away. Can 12 women be wrong? or are they seeking a quick buck? Some of the allegations go back 30 years but no one has seen them as worthy of court action. 30 years ago most sexual abuse went unreported and unprosecuted. So what do you do about it now?
A few years ago after a local pediatrician died, the people who bought his house were renovating and found a secret compartment in the wall that had thousands of pictures of children. People came forward in droves for the lawsuit against the local hospital. There had been some unsubstantiated allegations over the years, but most people thought the world of the doctor. People aren’t always what they appear.
It’s hard to know if Bill Cosby deserves our support or condemnation. We know he’s not perfect, but based on the roles he has played, we have put him on a pedestal of what the ideal dad should be. Invariably, people on pedestals become targets. It’s hard to know if that is what happened here. What Bill Cosby does deserve is to not be tried and convicted by the media in the name of ratings. Conversely women who claim to be victims should have a path to file complaints legally and have them followed through by competent police and/or lawyers. CNN is not the place to tell the world you were raped by a celebrity without having a solid legal trail leading up to it.
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
Sexual Assault
The rape conviction of two high school football players in Steubenville, Ohio is an interesting microcosm of a variety of social and legal problems regarding sexual abuse and it’s definitions. Take away the names and the location and you have a scenario that is played out in communities across the country a hundred times a week. Kids trying to be popular, Kids wanting to be with the popular kids, kids getting drunk, and kids having sex.
What defines rape?
One of the biggest challenges, state to state, is that definitions for sexual offenses are all over the map. Reduce the age under 18 and it gets even more complicated. There are risk of injury charges that may or may not be sexually related. Some state’s have obscure terms like “Trovers”, or “Impairing the Morals” in their sexual offenses. Then there are qualifiers such as being within 5 years of the same age, consent ages, level of understanding, ability to grant consent, degree of planning, etc.
It’s entirely possible to have nearly identical physical acts treated completely differently from a legal perspective within the same state based on the relationship of the participants. And state to state, the same act and circumstances can have wildly different outcomes legally.
To drunk to ….
If you remember the band the Dead Kennedy’s, you can fill in the rest. Is it a double standard to say that someone was to drunk to give consent, but those accused are not to drunk to understand their intent? Adding alcohol or drugs to any situation and good judgement goes out the window. Add it to sexually curious teenagers who have no concept of what legal definitions are and you have a recipe for a mess.
What’s age got to do with it?
Most states have come to realize that what is criminal for an adult, is often just incredible stupidity for teenagers. Clearly there are exceptions. Bbut sexual related incidents can be some of the most challenging because they can go either way. There is a huge difference in the psychology or a 16 year old who forces a 9 year old to perform a sex act on them, compared to to a 17 year old performing a sexual act on a 15 year old girl at a party. The first is probably someone with a problem, the later may just be violating a statute on consent. Both could be labeled as sex offenders and end up adjudicated.
Depending on the state, your juvenile record and sex offender designation may end at 18, 21 or some other time determined by the court. Again, no standards state to state. Still there is a general consensus in the juvenile justice world that with proper treatment, juvenile mistakes don’t have to become adult convictions. So does someone under 18 have to live with their mistakes as an adult because they were labeled a sex offender years before? It’s a complicated issue that doesn’t have a consistent answer.
We can’t let this get out!
Whether it is a star football player, a local politician, or a beloved teacher, people will act to protect the status quo. They don’t want their heros to be guilty of things, so people will go to great lengths to put the genie back in the bottle. The victim in this case is already getting harassed on line. In our case, one of the families had their mailbox and post thrown through the window of their car (it wasn’t open). They got the hint and moved out of state.
Victims often feel the full weight of a community when the natural order of things is upset. I don’t think Spock (Star Trek) meant “the good of the many outweighs the good of the one” for situations like this. But the same logic regarding acting in the public good, also applies to self protection where reputations, ways of life, or championship games are at stake. It’s wrong, but it is human nature.
Fixing the problem
People are more or less the same anywhere you go. Drunk teenagers are not a phenomenon of one town or state. Sex abuse or rape doesn’t change much from state to state either. Laws need to have common definitions and outcomes in every state. With that as a foundation, we can do a better job of educating ourselves, and teenagers specifically, of where the boundaries are for appropriate sexual behavior. There will probably be another Steubenville, but if we all had the same legal interpretation of rape, it would be easier to attach the right labels to what happened. And it would be easier to take the right steps to ensure everyone gets the treatment/punishment that they deserve.
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
