Sexual Abuse
Towards Healing and Renewal is the title of a conference on child sexual abuse which is being organized by Gregorian University in Rome with the support of the Vatican. The conference is in Rome Feb 6-9 and includes representatives from a large number of Catholic organizations and Vatican offices. I’m not sure exactly what it says that the Pope will not be in attendance. But it does seem to be typical of the distance the Pope tends to approach the subject with. As such, my expectations are low. Still, this is golden opportunity. Having spent a little bit of time on the edge of the political landscape I can understand why the Pope might watch this from a safe distance.
If this is the first you have heard of this conference that has representatives of over 100 Bishops, I’m sure it’s not a coincidence. The Catholic Church has made so many missteps in dealing with child sexual abuse, as well as being the source of more than their fair share, that they can’t afford another black eye. If the conference come up with a bold direction that can reposition the church as a defender of children, the Pope has a ready entrance to step in and solidify the message. If it falls short, the Pope continues to support efforts to ensure the safety of children and recognizes there is still more work to be done. Leaving the Pope out of the equation also allows the conference to go forward without making the front page of CNN.
Making it all ok
Welcome to the safe road in dealing the sexual abuse. Everyone’s political ass is covered. Sadly this is not part of the recipe for real change. Here’s what I’d like to see happen. Two days of stalemate discussions trying to figure out the best way to limit legal exposure with all the abuse cases. Enter the Pope on day 3. The Pope announces that no-one leaves until they have a comprehensive plan for dealing with abusive priests, protecting children, and supporting victims. On the fourth day, the Pope announces the plan to the world. It’s not perfect, but it sets a new standard within the church and restores the faith of many Catholics who feel betrayed by their church. Or at least that’s how it would play out in the movie version. I guess we’ll have to see what happens in the real world next week.
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse victim situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
Sexual Abuse
With the success of organizations like AA and alanon, why isn’t there a pedophiles anonymous? Answering this question gets to the heart of the problem of dealing with sex offenders in our society. People aren’t embarrassed to go to AA. Maybe initially, but then they learn that people are proud of them for doing it. Do you think the same would happen with pedophiles? Clearly we aren’t there yet.
My uncle was a long time member of AA. I think most of the family viewed him in context with the damage that drinking did along the way. In contrast there are dozens of members of AA that credit my uncle with helping to save their marriage, their jobs and in some cases their lives. Unfortunately, the later is the stuff you often find out at funerals. It’s hard to imagine multiple people standing up at a funeral to say how someone helped them with their sexual attraction to children. With AA people are more then willing to acknowledge those that have helped them with their addiction – and do it publicly. Sex offenders stay in the shadows, and in many cases are pushed there. It’s hard to tell which sometimes.
Bottom line is that as a society, we aren’t ready to admit that pedophiles are a part of us. The same people we want servicing our communities and teaching our children, often happen to be sexual predators. This is scary as shit! Most people’s brains can’t even get a handle on this because it doesn’t make logical sense. It’s so much easier to go with the explanation that there are good people and bad people, and good people do good things and bad people do bad things. We live in a society which actively seeks to destroy things that don’t make sense. It’s not right, but it helps us make sense of our world. And think of the time and money it saves on education.
Go to a meeting
So lets imagine you saw an ad for Pedophiles Anonymous in the paper. What do you think would happen? For the most part no one would come. And sooner or later, people that did come would probably be killed by a parent or victim looking for payback. Unlike being an alcoholic or a drug addict, there isn’t a safe place to admit being sexually attracted to children, or worse having acted on that. There is no social acceptance that this is a problem that we as a community can help someone with. It is more of a cancer that should be removed and destroyed. And oh by the way, don’t talk to anyone about either.
There’s an old joke about what do you call 300 lawyers thrown off a cliff? Answer: a good start. Substitute the word pedophiles for lawyers and you have a statement that most people would agree with. On a purely emotional level it’s hard not to feel that way, especially when you have lived through abuse yourself or as a parent. The more you learn though, the more you find that it doesn’t fix the problem. AA fixes a problem. Drug courts fix a problem. Both recognize the addiction, they understand the scars it leaves on those around them, and they recognize it takes an open and educated community to deal with the problem.
We Need to be Open
Like it or not at some point we have to look to a similar approach for sex offenders. We need to bring the problem and treatment into the open, if we want to reduce the number of victims in the future. Most people don’t know that AA has been around for almost 80 years. And it really has only been really socially accepted for the past 20 years or so. Hopefully a similar structure can come to exist for sex offenders that doesn’t take quite that length of time for society to accept.
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse victim situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
Parenting
boundaries are strange things. We generally don’t give it them a second thought. Sexual abuse brings them to the forefront though. Victims tend to see the world as a series of boundaries. Be conscious of how your child looks at boundaries.
It may just be his or her room. Does the door need to be open or closed? Do they create barriers that make it difficult to get in and out their rooms? These are all considerations when you look at the boundaries in your life.
What about sports or games? Are they open ended and broad, or are they contained and do they have specific elements of boundaries in them? Now this is true of most sports, but there seems to be an attraction to sports where the boundaries are a prominent aspect of the game. Some examples are volleyball, tennis, and golf. Hockey, baseball, and basketball still have a defined playing area, but going out of bounds is not a penalty.
Finding Comfort
Spacial relationships about where you live are often a similar consideration. Is the area wide open, or enclosed? Look at the situations where your child may be uncomfortable and see if any of these aspects come into play. Everyone has their own preferences in life and some of them come as the result of circumstances such as this. Try to look at where boundary issues impact your child’s life. Once you know what makes them comfortable in the world, you can try to make changes accordingly.
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse victim situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
Sexual Abuse
Dominique Strauss-Kahn, the former IMF director, initially appeared to be the classic case of power abuse. It was a sex scandal worthy of the front page of CNN on many days. He event beat out Arnold on days where both of their sex scandals were news. Both involved a married man and someone in a domestic capacity. But DSK, as he is often labeled, seemed to be more newsworthy. The difference? Arnold admitted he did it and DSK did not. Also, and more importantly, DSKs actions were treated as a crime. If Arnold Schwarzenegger had been arrested on rape charges, it would have much more newsworthy. I think it’s along the same lines as people stopping to look at accidents, or watching reality TV. We want the drama even if it is at someone else’s expense.
Credibility
Now that the credibility of the alleged victim in the Dominique Strauss-Kahn case has been found to be less than credible, the whole case is falling apart and will likely go away. Or more likely it may flip and the accuser may become the accused. This is a defense attorney’s dream, since virtually all defenses are based on the premise that the accuser lied. Because of the magnitude of this event, many sexually abused woman may be reluctant to come forward for a while. This is unfortunate because false accusations are actually pretty rare. With the exception of coerced custody related issues, false accusations rarely occur in children who do not yet have a reference for sex in their life.
If people knew how often sexual abuse actually happened, the DSK case would probably be less noteworthy. But because sexual abuse gets buried in shame and the fear of being called a liar, we really don’t have a context for how common it is. We want the bad people to get punished. Unfortunately, the drama of the media distorts what is and is not true.
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
Sexual Abuse
As a man I honestly can’t ever remember taking a picture of myself and sending it to someone. How someone takes it to the next level and starts taking pictures of parts of themselves that people don’t normally see is beyond me. It does seem to be a popular trend though, especially among people have a lot to use. So what possesses someone in a position of power to do something this obviously stupid?
Rules are for others
The answer is pretty simple. The rules don’t apply to them. Just ask them – they will tell you. Maybe not directly, but actions often speak louder than words. They are in a position of power, so what better way to prove that than do something that others can’t do. This is an oversimplification for those of us who try to follow society’s rules. Combine this with enjoying the thrill of skating on thin ice and you have a unique cocktail for someone who has their own sense of morality.
People who don’t acknowledge society’s rules, tend also to not have a conscious about their actions. They can beat a polygraph and generally don’t understand what is wrong with their behavior. So whether it is pictures, or touching, or more, they believe they are entitled. As long as there is power, and people who feel this puts them in a different place relative to the rest of humanity, there will be abuse.
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
