Parenting
When you get married most people start off with a short list of things that you promise to do that usually ends with “til death do you part”. It gets modified based on personal preference and believes but it is still a part of the standard contract. Fatherhood has a set of rules as well, but they are often unspoken. It’s part of the “Dad’s Code”. If it were written down somewhere it would probably be something along the lines of “to do everything in your power to protect your child from harm, including sacrificing your own life for your child’s safety.”
Every year there are a couple Dads that find their way onto the front page of CNN by making this ultimate sacrifice. Most of us never have to go that far, and even more of us aren’t in the right place to protect our children when something bad happens. When that bad thing is sexual abuse, almost 20% of us fathers will experience not being there to protect our children. And no one even wants to talk about it.
Everything Changes
Finding out your child has been sexual abused leaves you questioning life, the universe and your responsibilities as a father. There is no rulebook for this part of your life. Chances are you don’t know anyone who is in your current situation and don’t know how you got to this place. For some fathers feelings of guilt can be overwhelming. Some people shut down, turn to an assortment of chemicals, or worse. For the uneducated, the immediate response is that they let their child down and should have been able to prevent the abuse. The truth is actually very different and much more complex than you would think. If you are lucky enough to have access to a Child Advocacy Center (http://www.nationalchildrensalliance.org/), most of them have a 10-week class for non-offending parents.
It basically covers everything you never wanted to know about child sexual abuse. During one of the first couple of classes the instructor explained to us how all children are molested. It’s sort of like learning how magicians cut a woman in half, except you want to throw up. It’s more than a little disheartening to find out how easily we can be manipulated by people we trust. This will mess with your head, but you owe it to yourself and your child to educate yourself. Education is your best tool to deal with this issue going forward.
You Can’t Ignore It
Too many fathers take this crushing blow of primal failure as something to be covered up. Things would be better if we just made it go away. They don’t talk about it with other people, and all too often they shy away from legal action, and even getting therapy for their child. As a short-term strategy, this actually tends to work for most people. Long term, the damage becomes much more apparent. Abuse victims are much more prone to future domestic abuse, mental illness, substance abuse, and a myriad of other problems. Dealing with the problem when it happens will help rebuild the foundation of your child’s life. It is important to be proactive and get your family the help they need. We all stumble from time to time. This is one of those times that fathers really need to be there for their kids.
Sometimes you can’t protect your kids
Sexual abuse is probably the last of the topics that people don’t talk about. Cancer, homosexuality, and mental illness are all topics that have become acceptable to discuss publicly within the last couple of decades. Sexual abuse still isn’t there yet. Quite frankly it scares the shit out of people that “the strangers” we have been warning children about for decades are not the offenders. Roughly someone the child and the family knows and trusts commits 97% of all sexual abuse. It is almost unimaginable to think that we are that poor judges of character.
In almost all cases it’s someone we know and trust. If not a family member it is often a religious figure, teacher or other person who is active in your child’s life. They tend to be active in their community and are known for being good with kids. They are usually the last person you would suspect of doing something like this. People will quickly take sides and you will find that your community, church and sometimes even your family becomes divided. If you are wondering whom to believe, less than 3% of allegations of sexual abuse are made up. And if your child is below the age when they should have knowledge of sex, the likelihood of this being made up is practically zero.
Dad Code
So whether you have lived through this, or hope that you never do, I would like to modify the “Dad Code” for you. The reality is that this is just one of the bad things that can happen to children. You can’t always protect your kids. And much like car accidents, leukemia, and autism, it’s not something you actually have control over. Most people will wrestle with this for a long time. Unfortunately I don’t have one-size fits all cure for this guilt. I will offer you this challenge though. A father’s responsibility is not just to protect their children from harm when they can. It is to do everything they can to help their children be successful regardless of what challenges the world might present them with. We can’t always be there when they fall, but we can be there to help them get back up again.
Sexual Abuse
If you are wondering if there is such a thing as police sex offenders, the answer is yes. This is probably the ultimate contradiction. Sadly, we are no longer surprised when another priest is found to be abusing children. When a police officer is accused of being a sex offender, it brings to mind a whole bunch of questions.
Don’t they screen police officers? Of course they do. But only based on known activities and how you might do on various standardized tests. Most sex offenders do not have the same sense of social conscious that the rest of the population has. They are much more likely to beat polygraphs and not feel remorse about their actions. Sex offenders generally feel entitled to their personal pleasures regardless of social norms, laws, or the impact on those around them.
Justifying Abuse
Imagine you were given a gun and told you could cure cancer, but you would have to kill a room full of kindergarten children to do it. Most people would have difficulty justifying murder for the good of society. Sex offenders regularly craft their world so they can make a positive impact on the world around them. They teach children, they volunteer for charities, they are active in their church, they raise money, and they hold prominent positions in their community. In their mind, this veil of public trust gives them the rights to take liberties from time to time. And why not, they give back far more than they take. Such is the logic of a sex offender.
So back to the police issue. Earlier this week, the captain of our police department was arrested on child pornography charges. He was a 30-year veteran of the police force as well as husband and father. By most accounts he was a pillar of the community and a model police officer. Then he made a mistake that opened him up for an investigation, which has mushroomed into a Pandora’s box. The encrypted files on his home and office computer held over 100,000 sexually explicit images and videos of infants and children.
Why?
It makes you wonder why someone would risk everything to do something that is totally unforgivable in the eyes of most people. A larger percentage of the population would be able to accept them killing the kindergarten students. Since I do not have an advanced degree in psychology, I am not even going to try to explain it. Trying to understand this behavior will just make your head spin. The thing to understand is that sex offenders are the best and worst of us. They can be anyone, and it is much more common than we would like. Once people can stop pretending it doesn’t exist, we can start having constructive discussions about how to address the problem.
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
Sexual Abuse
Dear Amazon.com,
It’s November 13, 2010 and you have a unique opportunity to make a powerful statement in support of children’s safety. I realize you are currently dealing with a public relations mess since CNN and others have noted the pedophile how to guides on your site. I give you credit for removing the material, but your time to act, and your position on the issue still leaves people wondering about why it took so long and what you intend to do in the future.
Your Letter
I realize corporations often don’t respond as quickly as they need to, but now is the time to act. If you are stuck looking for the right words, here is a starting point:
“Amazon.com has always worked to provide the largest selection of appropriate materials available to our customers. Recently several books made it on to our site that should not have been listed due to their exploitive nature. We regret the incident and are working to improve our screening process. While we do not censor, we take every effort to exclude material that may advocate criminal activities. Amazon.com takes protection of children seriously. We recognize that none of us can ensure the safety of children alone, and we welcome our customer’s input to improve our efforts. “
Feel free to adjust as needed, but please respond soon. Your customer are waiting!
Sexual Abuse
Can you imagine seeing the following:
The surgeon general warns that contact with certain religious leaders may result in unwanted sexual abuse.
Even if something like this did exist, it would probably get about the same attention as the warning on cigarettes.
So lets dial back the clock about 50 years to the corporate offices of cigarette maker X. You’ve just gotten the first research reports back that says your product is addictive, dangerous to children in the form of second hand smoke, and causes cancer. So naturally you stop making your product, make a public apology and arrange for medical treatment and compensation for those affected. Well we all know the scenario played out differently.
Details when the Vatican was first aware of the problem in their midst are a little less clear. But the pattern of response is similar – ignore the problem, try to cover it up, use the legal system to silence victims, and wait until you are sued to begin responding.
If Only…
Hindsight is always twenty twenty. So is the response appropriate to the time? If we take a lesson from Star Trek, “The good of the many outweighs the good of the few” . I’m sure this was the logic that led to the responses of both organizations. It’s a comforting axiom which often covers for bad decision making. Like most decision making, it gets better through education. Today kids no longer have unrestricted access to cigarettes based on a more educated public. The religious community is starting to take steps to undo years of un-enlightened decision making. Perhaps in a few years our children will be safer from the danger of abuse as well.
Sexual Abuse
So far there are 4 lawsuits against Atlanta area Pastor Eddie Long for sexual abuse. It’s going to be interesting to see which way this goes. If you aren’t familiar with the New Birth Church it’s not your hometown small church. This is a mega church with it’s own magazine, podcast, trips, etc. Eddie Long has written 10 books and according to his web site is happily married. He also fits the profile of many sex offenders. Powerful man, well educated, well respected and married. One major difference? Child predators in the US also tend to be white. Clearly sexual abuse crosses all race and gender lines, but it’s rare that you see a case this prominent in the African American community.
So what’s likely to happen next? If the allegations are true, I think you will see the list grow. The average pedophile has 70+ victims when they are first caught. As victims come forward, others often feel empowered to come forward as well. And if this is an unfounded witch hunt it will be interesting to see how things are spun going forward. I’m predicting more people coming forward.
Fast Forward
The lawsuits were eventually settled out of court for an undisclosed sum. Eddie Long continued to preech for several more years before dying from cancer in 2017.
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
