Sexual Abuse
Dominique Strauss-Kahn, the former IMF director, initially appeared to be the classic case of power abuse. It was a sex scandal worthy of the front page of CNN on many days. He event beat out Arnold on days where both of their sex scandals were news. Both involved a married man and someone in a domestic capacity. But DSK, as he is often labeled, seemed to be more newsworthy. The difference? Arnold admitted he did it and DSK did not. Also, and more importantly, DSKs actions were treated as a crime. If Arnold Schwarzenegger had been arrested on rape charges, it would have much more newsworthy. I think it’s along the same lines as people stopping to look at accidents, or watching reality TV. We want the drama even if it is at someone else’s expense.
Credibility
Now that the credibility of the alleged victim in the Dominique Strauss-Kahn case has been found to be less than credible, the whole case is falling apart and will likely go away. Or more likely it may flip and the accuser may become the accused. This is a defense attorney’s dream, since virtually all defenses are based on the premise that the accuser lied. Because of the magnitude of this event, many sexually abused woman may be reluctant to come forward for a while. This is unfortunate because false accusations are actually pretty rare. With the exception of coerced custody related issues, false accusations rarely occur in children who do not yet have a reference for sex in their life.
If people knew how often sexual abuse actually happened, the DSK case would probably be less noteworthy. But because sexual abuse gets buried in shame and the fear of being called a liar, we really don’t have a context for how common it is. We want the bad people to get punished. Unfortunately, the drama of the media distorts what is and is not true.
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
Parenting
When you get married most people start off with a short list of things that you promise to do that usually ends with “til death do you part”. It gets modified based on personal preference and believes but it is still a part of the standard contract. Fatherhood has a set of rules as well, but they are often unspoken. It’s part of the “Dad’s Code”. If it were written down somewhere it would probably be something along the lines of “to do everything in your power to protect your child from harm, including sacrificing your own life for your child’s safety.”
Every year there are a couple Dads that find their way onto the front page of CNN by making this ultimate sacrifice. Most of us never have to go that far, and even more of us aren’t in the right place to protect our children when something bad happens. When that bad thing is sexual abuse, almost 20% of us fathers will experience not being there to protect our children. And no one even wants to talk about it.
Everything Changes
Finding out your child has been sexual abused leaves you questioning life, the universe and your responsibilities as a father. There is no rulebook for this part of your life. Chances are you don’t know anyone who is in your current situation and don’t know how you got to this place. For some fathers feelings of guilt can be overwhelming. Some people shut down, turn to an assortment of chemicals, or worse. For the uneducated, the immediate response is that they let their child down and should have been able to prevent the abuse. The truth is actually very different and much more complex than you would think. If you are lucky enough to have access to a Child Advocacy Center (http://www.nationalchildrensalliance.org/), most of them have a 10-week class for non-offending parents.
It basically covers everything you never wanted to know about child sexual abuse. During one of the first couple of classes the instructor explained to us how all children are molested. It’s sort of like learning how magicians cut a woman in half, except you want to throw up. It’s more than a little disheartening to find out how easily we can be manipulated by people we trust. This will mess with your head, but you owe it to yourself and your child to educate yourself. Education is your best tool to deal with this issue going forward.
You Can’t Ignore It
Too many fathers take this crushing blow of primal failure as something to be covered up. Things would be better if we just made it go away. They don’t talk about it with other people, and all too often they shy away from legal action, and even getting therapy for their child. As a short-term strategy, this actually tends to work for most people. Long term, the damage becomes much more apparent. Abuse victims are much more prone to future domestic abuse, mental illness, substance abuse, and a myriad of other problems. Dealing with the problem when it happens will help rebuild the foundation of your child’s life. It is important to be proactive and get your family the help they need. We all stumble from time to time. This is one of those times that fathers really need to be there for their kids.
Sometimes you can’t protect your kids
Sexual abuse is probably the last of the topics that people don’t talk about. Cancer, homosexuality, and mental illness are all topics that have become acceptable to discuss publicly within the last couple of decades. Sexual abuse still isn’t there yet. Quite frankly it scares the shit out of people that “the strangers” we have been warning children about for decades are not the offenders. Roughly someone the child and the family knows and trusts commits 97% of all sexual abuse. It is almost unimaginable to think that we are that poor judges of character.
In almost all cases it’s someone we know and trust. If not a family member it is often a religious figure, teacher or other person who is active in your child’s life. They tend to be active in their community and are known for being good with kids. They are usually the last person you would suspect of doing something like this. People will quickly take sides and you will find that your community, church and sometimes even your family becomes divided. If you are wondering whom to believe, less than 3% of allegations of sexual abuse are made up. And if your child is below the age when they should have knowledge of sex, the likelihood of this being made up is practically zero.
Dad Code
So whether you have lived through this, or hope that you never do, I would like to modify the “Dad Code” for you. The reality is that this is just one of the bad things that can happen to children. You can’t always protect your kids. And much like car accidents, leukemia, and autism, it’s not something you actually have control over. Most people will wrestle with this for a long time. Unfortunately I don’t have one-size fits all cure for this guilt. I will offer you this challenge though. A father’s responsibility is not just to protect their children from harm when they can. It is to do everything they can to help their children be successful regardless of what challenges the world might present them with. We can’t always be there when they fall, but we can be there to help them get back up again.
Sexual Abuse
April is National Sexual Abuse Prevention Month. Perhaps you didn’t get the memo. I hadn’t heard of it prior to about 8 years ago. I thought I hadn’t been paying attention, but sadly it is 1/12 of the year that goes by largely unnoticed. Breast cancer and Autism get 100 times more pr than sexual abuse. Once you have been around it a while, you learn why.
Sexual abuse scares people probably more than anything else. It’s something we don’t talk about, and people who have never experienced it try to convince themselves that it is something that happens to other people. There is a whole psychology of how people re-frame sexual abuse to shield themselves from the possibility that it could happen to them. It ends up being a viscous cycle. Every parent of an abused child probably thought it couldn’t happen to them. Your first step in making your kids safer is simply acknowledging that sexual abuse can affect anyone. If you aren’t up to speed on the numbers – 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 5 boys will experience some form of sexual abuse by the time they are 18. If you were worried about a car accidents, meningitis, or autism they are actually lower on likely list. If you want your kids to be safer, the first step is to accept that it is something that can happen to your children.
The Myths
The second step is getting beyond the main myth of sexual abuse. And that is that it’s something that is done by strangers. We have been drilled with this concept since before we can spell. Don’t talk to strangers. Don’t take candy from a stranger. But the reality is that 0ver 95% of all sexual abuse is committed by someone we know and trust. In the case of sexual abuse of children under the age of 10, there is almost always a 3 way trust relationship. The abuser is a person the parents trust, and that the child trusts. There is also the dual aspect of this that since parents trust the person, the child should trust them as well. When things start to become abusive this inner conflict drives children not to disclose the abuse because they know it is someone their parents trust.
And the third thing you can do towards making kids safe is to talk to them about sexual abuse, preferably before you have the “sex talk” with them. Age 9 is the average age of an abused child. Talking to your child about good touch and bad touch as early as pre-school is a good idea. It’s also important to discuss it with them every couple of years because it is something that needs to be reenforced over time. Encourage your children to tell you when things are bothering them. And let them know that any touching that someone (anyone) does that bothers them that they can tell you about it.
Fears with Making Kids Safe
If you are worried about screwing this up, you probably will. We’re parents – it’s what we do. We do the best we can with what we have. This is scary stuff, but isn’t that part of being a parent? We try to learn from others, educate ourselves the best we can, and try to beat the odds. If you have learned something new here, you have one more piece of information that you can leverage to keep your kids safe. Spread the word!
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
Sexual Abuse
Having spent many years in intelligence I think I can safely say that the new TSA procedures are silly as well as offensive. The sad part is so many resources will be used in this full frontal security measure, that a real threat will likely come in through the back door. Be sure to voice your concerns to whoever will listen.
‘Humiliated’: Female passenger subjected to patdown ‘because her sanitary towel showed up on body scanner’
DAILY MAIL REPORTER
Last updated at 8:50 PM on 26th November 2010
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1333432/Humiliated-Female-passenger-subjected-patdown-sanitary-towel-showed-body-scanner.html
- * Ordeal brought back memories of previous sex assault
- * Doctor warns agents’ gloves could spread infections
- * Obama: I understand passengers’ anger at patdowns
What’s the TSA Doing?
A female passenger has claimed that she was assaulted by TSA agents when she was ordered to be patted down because her sanitary towel showed up on the body scanner.
The woman was wearing a flannel panty liner, that evidently aroused suspicion, causing her to endure what she described as a ‘horrible’ experience.
Humiliated by her experience, the unidentified Army vet wrote to women’s health company Gladrags to detail what happened.
Red flag: A woman has claimed she was ordered t have an invasive patdown because her sanitary towel arose suspicion when she went through the body scanner
‘Gate rape’: The unidentified woman claims the search brought back memories of a previously suffered sexual assault
She said the invasive patdown was additionally humiliating because it brought back memories of a previously suffered sexual assault.
She wrote: ‘The TSA agents were doing their job, they were as delicate as they could be, etc., etc.
‘But what ultimately happened is that I was subjected to a search so invasive that I was left crying and dealing with memories that I thought had been dealt with years ago of prior sexual assaults.
Her email added: ‘Because of my flannel panty-liner. These new scans are so horrible that if you are wearing something unusual (like a piece of cloth on your panties) then you will be subjected to a search where a woman repeatedly has to check your ‘groin’ while another woman watches on (two in my case – they were training in a new girl – awesome)’.
The woman said that she was speaking out because she didn’t want another woman to face the same humiliation.
‘I just don’t want another woman to have to go through the ‘patting down’ because she didn’t know that her glad-rag would be a matter of national security.’
A increasing amount of woman have apparently requesting information from the TSA, regarding if sanitary products are picked up by the body scanners and by all accounts it does.
Doctors are also now questioning the hygiene of TSA agents who conduct hundreds of patdowns daily.
Although they wear gloves, it is being reported that viruses like syphilis, lice, gonorrhea, chlamydia, strep and papilloma viruses can be transferred from passenger to passenger during the body searches.
Alarmed travellers have noted that the TSA agents do not change gloves in between patdowns and were actually patting down dozens of passengers or more wearing the same gloves.
The TSA nor federal agencies such as the Centers for Disease Control have yet commented on the possibility that infections and other afflictions could be spread.
Germs: Some doctors are questioning the hygiene of TSA agents wearing the same gloves to patdown numerous passengers saying diseases could be spread via their latex gloves
Dr Thomas Warner from Wisconsin told WND: ‘There is no doubt that bacteria (staph, strep, v.cholerae etc.) and viruses (noro, enteroviruses, herpes, hepatitis A and papilloma viruses) can be spread by contaminated vinyl or latex gloves’.
‘If a traveller has diarrhea and is soiled, as can and does happen, the causative agent can be spread by this method since bacteria and viruses in moist environments have greater viability’, he added.
‘The traveler readjusting clothes can easily get the infectious agents on their hands and therefore into their mouth, nose and eyes.’
‘How come if we as doctors have guidelines, we must wear gloves and have oversight, it’s very different [for the TSA]’.
Unhygienic: Dr Thomas Warner said at the very minimum, TSA agents should change their gloves in between patdowns
Dr Warner said that at the very minimum, gloves should be changed between patdowns, ‘especially if the gloved hand is inside clothes or in the genital area… even if clothed. Travelers should be advised of this and hand-wash and change clothes ASAP after these intimate examinations.’
The CDC have said that passengers should request the TSA agent use fresh gloves before conducting their body search.
‘If you are traveling and are going to be searched, you can request that the TSA agent change his or her gloves,’ their statement read.
Singled out: Eliana Sutherland claims she was chosen for a patdown because of her large breasts
Privacy-invasion claims like Eliana Sutherland’s have become increasingly common since the TSA introduced the full body scan.
She complained that she was singled out by agents because of her large breasts.
She said she was flying from Orlando International Airport and felt objectified by security workers, claiming two male TSA workers had been staring at her chest and picked her out for additional screening.
‘It was pretty obvious. One of the guys that was staring me up and down was the one who pulled me over’, she said. ‘Not a comfortable feeling’.
President Obama waded into the TSA row today by insisting patdowns are essential to keeping passengers safe.
He tells ABC’s Barbara Walters in an interview to be screened tonight: ‘I understand people’s frustrations with it.
‘But I also know that if there was an explosion in the air that killed a couple of hundred people…and it turned out that we could have prevented it possibly…that would be something that would be pretty upsetting to most of us – including me.’
The TSA has stressed that people are chosen for additional screening at random and strictly for security reasons.
TSA Administrator John Pistole has pledged to review security procedures but says the TSA must balance people’s demands for privacy with the need to protect passengers from terror threats.
He said that only a small portion of the 34 million people who have flown since the new procedures have taken effect have had the body patdowns.
More…
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
Sexual Abuse
Dear Amazon.com,
It’s November 13, 2010 and you have a unique opportunity to make a powerful statement in support of children’s safety. I realize you are currently dealing with a public relations mess since CNN and others have noted the pedophile how to guides on your site. I give you credit for removing the material, but your time to act, and your position on the issue still leaves people wondering about why it took so long and what you intend to do in the future.
Your Letter
I realize corporations often don’t respond as quickly as they need to, but now is the time to act. If you are stuck looking for the right words, here is a starting point:
“Amazon.com has always worked to provide the largest selection of appropriate materials available to our customers. Recently several books made it on to our site that should not have been listed due to their exploitive nature. We regret the incident and are working to improve our screening process. While we do not censor, we take every effort to exclude material that may advocate criminal activities. Amazon.com takes protection of children seriously. We recognize that none of us can ensure the safety of children alone, and we welcome our customer’s input to improve our efforts. “
Feel free to adjust as needed, but please respond soon. Your customer are waiting!
