Sexual Abuse
There is this cultural icon of the neighborhood bully that we see in movies. He’s usually bigger, poorer, not as smart, etc. and uses what power he has to feel better about himself. The bullying of movies is predictable and there is usually a pivotal confrontation event that resolves things and everyone live happily ever after. Suicide was never part of the story lines in the bullying stories we are used to. Unfortunately things have changed.
Today’s bullying is multi-dimensional. Its usually not one person, it’s packs. They are smart, well educated, and leverage technology to build campaigns against their target. And it doesn’t get resolved in some key moment where David defeats Goliath. It can go on week after week and sometimes into years. This can be overwhelming to a victim.
Double Impact
Sexual abuse victims are often victims of bullying as well. Often times it is the community trying to protect their own sense of trust in the offender. It’s so much easier to make the problem go away and go back to the way things were. It preserves what we believe to be true, even if it happens to be wrong. Other times it is a response by peers to finding out a child has engaged in sexual activities. Girls are often branded as sluts and boys (in same sex contact) are labeled as gay. There are other labels and scenarios depending on the situation, but the point is that they are suddenly faced to fight off an image that they don’t want and isn’t true.
All the more reason for education. Bullying is a big enough problem from normal adolescent interactions. People need to understand what a sexual assault victim has already endured. Maybe if they did there would be a few less cases of bullying out there.
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
Sexual Abuse
Can you imagine seeing the following:
The surgeon general warns that contact with certain religious leaders may result in unwanted sexual abuse.
Even if something like this did exist, it would probably get about the same attention as the warning on cigarettes.
So lets dial back the clock about 50 years to the corporate offices of cigarette maker X. You’ve just gotten the first research reports back that says your product is addictive, dangerous to children in the form of second hand smoke, and causes cancer. So naturally you stop making your product, make a public apology and arrange for medical treatment and compensation for those affected. Well we all know the scenario played out differently.
Details when the Vatican was first aware of the problem in their midst are a little less clear. But the pattern of response is similar – ignore the problem, try to cover it up, use the legal system to silence victims, and wait until you are sued to begin responding.
If Only…
Hindsight is always twenty twenty. So is the response appropriate to the time? If we take a lesson from Star Trek, “The good of the many outweighs the good of the few” . I’m sure this was the logic that led to the responses of both organizations. It’s a comforting axiom which often covers for bad decision making. Like most decision making, it gets better through education. Today kids no longer have unrestricted access to cigarettes based on a more educated public. The religious community is starting to take steps to undo years of un-enlightened decision making. Perhaps in a few years our children will be safer from the danger of abuse as well.
Sexual Abuse
As long as there have been differences in power between people, there has been sexual abuse. This manifests itself in different ways in different cultures but the end result is the same. The way we stop it is to give people power, by giving them information. Sexual abuse is something that exists in an environment of ignorance. The more people know about what sexual abuse is, and what it isn’t, the more likely it will be decreased for future generations.
So what are some ways we can change differences in power?
Educate Women
– it’s not as obvious a problem in the developed world but it still an issue. Educating woman around the world reduces sexual abuse, poverty, and over population. Here in the U.S. encouraging girls to play competitive sports, take science and math, and go to college all help change the balance of power.
Teach kids to say NO
– while this sounds counter intuitive to everything a parent wants to hear, learning to say no is important to protecting children and it is a good skill for time management later in life. Being able to say NO to people, for a variety of reasons, gives you more control over your life. Being able to say no to adults may protect your child from being sexually abused.
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
Sexual Abuse
Roman Polanski has beaten the system again. The Swiss government has decided to let him go free rather than extradite him to the US. So is this a good thing or a bad thing? He’s a 30 year fugitive who was convicted of a sex crime against a 13 year old. In a perfect world he would have gone to prison, but instead he fled the country and has been living a life of luxury ever since. It doesn’t seem fair. So who is the winner in this decision? You could make an argument that the winner in this decision is actually the victim.
Letting Go
Long ago her family settled a civil suit and she doesn’t want to have to relive the abuse in front of the media. Sometimes it is better to just let it go. You can’t always win in court, but being able to live beyond the abuse is definitely a win. If the LA District Attorney really wants to make this a victory, they should put the money they would have spent on a new trial towards educating the public on sexual abuse.
Sexual Abuse
Everyone has their breaking point. Often times victims will endure abuse for years and suddenly react when they feel someone they know is in danger of being abused. Such is the case of Aaron Vargas. He endured years of abuse, but when he thought his child was in danger of being abused by the same man who abused him, he confronted him with a gun. Aaron was free of his abuser’s grip, but paid for it with his own freedom. Aaron was sentenced to 9 years in jail for killing the guy he said sexually abused him for decades.
So do we look at Aaron as we would anyone else who kills someone? Does it make it better that he killed someone who most people will sleep better knowing he is gone? Or does Aaron get a pass because he was failed by a system so long that he ran out of other options in dealing with his abuse. Too many times this lack of options results in the person holding the gun and the person who dies being the same person.
If Aaron had picked up a gun and shot this man when he was first being abused at age 11, he would probably be doing Oprah as a hero. People don’t realize that part of the abuse involves turning the fight/flight switch off. It’s like elephants who are chained up. They long ago stopped being held by the chain, but their brain doesn’t know it. They are still that young elephant that can’t move past the chain. The fact that the fight back instinct kicked in years later seems to change the perception in the eyes of the court.
What do you think?
Do I think Aaron did the right thing? No. Could I see myself reaching that same point? Probably. If you’ve lived through any part of this, you can see how it can happen. Giving Aaron a free pass would essentially be declaring open season on sex offenders. While many people might find this appealing, that isn’t the answer either.
So what’s the answer? I would hope that Aaron’s family would continue to generate awareness of the incident. The punishment might follow the letter of the law, but not the spirit. Hopefully this can shed some much needed light on a broken system. Perhaps some enlightened public official will realize that this is just a symptom of how children are often not protected by our legal system.
For more information on the case visit – http://www.saveaaron.com/
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
