Most people have heard the term winter blues. It’s also known as seasonal affective disorder, or it’s appropriate acronym SAD. If you are new to the concept, it is especially prevalent in northern regions where there isn’t as much sunlight in the winter months. Many people actually get sad lights to help them with this condition. As winter blues implies, certain people tend to feel sad or depressed during the winter months. Light therapy is a common treatment for seasonal affective disorder. Victims of sexual abuse and parents of sexual abuse victims are not uniquely affected by the winter blues, but there are additional factors as well – namely the holidays.
Bah Humbug
I’m not a good holiday person. I used to be, but this is one of the things that changed for me with our family’s abuse. If you are just starting to deal with your child’s abuse take a minute to look at the changes in your life. Amongst other things, you will probably notice:
- You don’t have as much energy
- You pay extra attention to faces when you are in public places like malls
- Ben and Jerry become your new best friends (substitute choice of food as applicable)
- You are shorter on patience
Over the first few months you may notice the above items less because you will eventually get used to this new normal. So now you are watching a little more reality TV and you need to buy a new size of jeans, it’s all a part of getting older – right? This doesn’t apply to every parent who’s child gets abused. When the other parent is the abuser, and divorce is added to the mix, weight loss is actually more the norm. Either way, your world is changed and you eventually will adapt to it as normal. This is where the challenge with holidays starts for me.
Moving towards change
Your new normal is probably pretty low on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. You are focused basically on survival level activities. Your definition of a good day is just getting through it without crying. Thanksgiving is the warm up act for the big event, but this is about the time that I notice my stress level starts to go up. I’m guessing Hanukkah is somewhat less stressful because it is lower key and it is spread out over several days. Christmas is the Superbowl of holidays. Start adding the decorating, the shopping (multiply those faces at the mall by 50. I still look at almost every face), the house cleaning, the travelling, the cooking, the cards, etc. and I can’t wait for it be over. Sound familiar?
The holidays
Does life starts to get harder toward the end of November and starts looking better after the new year? Maybe it’s time to take a look at what is going on in your life. If it’s your garden variety winter blues, maybe a light machine is your ticket. If the holidays are just too much of a stretch from your daily normal, you need to take a different approach.
In simple terms, your new normal has filled up with crap. In our old normal we had space in our life for cranking up the volume on life for things like holidays. If your cup is already full, life just sort of pours all over the place and makes a mess. Try to look at the things that have entered your life since your child was sexually abused. Also look at the things that may have left your life like vacations, reading, exercise, etc. Figure out what you can change. You may have to stretch yourself. See if you can make room for Christmas every day. For 364 days a year you will have room for what life throws your way. And for those special days like Christmas, you will be ready.
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
